jessica
hi.
i attended st. pius X from
1995-2000 (when there were five years in high school) under the name
jason parent. i go by the name jessica, now - but anybody there that
would remember me would remember me as jason.
i had
some disciplinary problems when i was a student at st. pius - multiple
suspensions, and a few points of near expulsion. you could broadly
classify me as a "prankster", although some of the behaviour was a
little more intense than that. i was also a fairly quiet and sometimes
bullied individual and a relatively good student, and these two things
together got me through the process with less consequences than i may
have otherwise had to deal with. it was generally understood that i was a
"bright" kid and i'd "grow out of it".
however, as
i've aged, it's become clear that the cause of my anti-social outbursts
(which continued after high school) is an undiagnosed personality
disorder. in hindsight, i feel that this disorder should have been
diagnosed before i even got to st. pius. as it is, i'm now nearly 34
years old, remain undiagnosed and continue to demonstrate substantial
symptoms. i'm currently living on odsp and trying to compile evidence of
this undiagnosed personality disorder for the purposes of having that
renewed.
now, the same mild mannered behaviour that got
me off the hook in high school is acting against me in terms of
convincing physicians that there's actually a problem. there's a very
big disconnect between how i come across in an interview setting (which
is very respectful and "normal") and the actual record of my past
behaviour (which has at times been just off the wall). i don't have a
criminal record. so, the best evidence i can provide would be my
behavioural records through grade school, high school and approximately
ten years of university (if anybody is curious, i finished degrees in
mathematics and computer science, as well as minors in law and physics -
and was written up repeatedly for angry, anti-social outbursts directed
at profs and students).
i would greatly appreciate it if you could send me these documents. i currently live in windsor, ontario.
now,
i understand that this is a random email address that even displays an
entirely different name - you have no way to know that i am who i say i
am. i simply don't know what the proper process is in proving who i am.
so, if you could guide me through that, that would be great. the closest
i can get to coming down there in person is sending my mom...
mr. warren
Good Morning Jessica,
I received your email and I remember you as a good student.
I now work in the Student Services Department.
After
students leave high school, all documentation is destroyed after five
years, except for transcripts. So all we have on file now is your
transcript showing good marks and credits earned. There is nothing here
regarding any issues or behaviour.
jessica
hi mr warren.
yeah, i was in your enriched math class and also your chemistry class. i think you also knew my stepmother.
frank
ryan has told me that the school board keeps archived information. do
you think i'd be able to find information there? if you so, do you have a
contact address?
there were in fact multiple
suspensions and a threat of possible expulsion that never materialized.
if there's a file somewhere, it's really quite thick.
mr. warren
Hello Jessica,
Sorry,
other than the OSR that was here, I am not aware of any archived files.
Once students leave high school, all of the suspensions and related
files are shredded after 5 years, and only the transcript is retained.
You could certainly call the board office and ask if you wish.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
hi....
jessica
it's jason parent.
it's been a few years, but i'm sure you remember me...
i don't think i have access to a carleton account anymore, but i can double check if you can't accept correspondence from this email. i think if you check, though, you'll see i corresponded from this address repeatedly.
i've been on odsp for two years, now. it's brought me to windsor, ontario where the cost of living is much lower. i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder at the mission in ottawa, which was an exaggeration of symptoms i was experiencing out of concern for my homelessness at the time. i'm now up for renewal, and i'm not likely to get renewed on that basis.
however, after reflecting on my life history, i feel there's an undiagnosed personality disorder going back many years that i'd benefit from having diagnosed properly. now, you might recall that you were always impressed by how i came off in an interview context - that is that there was a large disconnect between how i presented myself to you face-to-face and the outbursts that caused you to summon me to you. that same disconnect is acting to my disadvantage. that is, i come off very normal and stable. the truth is i AM very stable in the situation that i'm in and don't really want things to change. i'm also fully cognizant that it's difficult to extrapolate my symptoms from interviewing me. i'm going to have to present an argument that's based on a long history of antisocial behaviour going back to my early childhood - and that is well documented through behavioural reports in grade school, high school and university.
so, i'm hoping you can send me the reports that you filled out about me so that i can take them to a psychiatric evaluation as evidence of this long, long undiagnosed underlying issue. even if it doesn't get me to odsp, i need it properly diagnosed and understood.
in hindsight, i actually feel i should have been diagnosed before the age of 15, at least. the argument was always that i was very "bright" and that a diagnosis would negatively impact my future. but as time has played out, it's become clear that the underlying concerns need to be dealt with and that the fact that they never were has really been far more negative than positive. i don't know what diagnosis is forthcoming - i think it's going to depend a lot on how the evidence is interpreted - but i couldn't imagine somebody sorting through the suspensions and near expulsions i experienced through a 20 year academic career without pulling something debilitating out of it.
so, i'd appreciate that tremendously. again, let me know if i need to send this from a different address. i don't know if i even still know the passwords, though...
director of student affairs, carleton university
Hi Jessica,
I remember you. Good to hear from you. Sounds like things are going ok. I did my undergrad at Windsor. Lots of memories. I know in recent years the town hasn't been doing so hot. Hopefully things are getting better, particularly in the downtown core.
It shouldn't be a problem for me to pull up some of my emails and then send them to you again, but I will need you to send me an email from your CU account. I'll send the emails there and you'll have them for your records to support your appeal. I'm suspect the process of getting back into your Carleton account is pretty straightforward. Once you get access, let me know and I'll send you the information.
Let me know if that sounds like an acceptable course of action.
it's jason parent.
it's been a few years, but i'm sure you remember me...
i don't think i have access to a carleton account anymore, but i can double check if you can't accept correspondence from this email. i think if you check, though, you'll see i corresponded from this address repeatedly.
i've been on odsp for two years, now. it's brought me to windsor, ontario where the cost of living is much lower. i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder at the mission in ottawa, which was an exaggeration of symptoms i was experiencing out of concern for my homelessness at the time. i'm now up for renewal, and i'm not likely to get renewed on that basis.
however, after reflecting on my life history, i feel there's an undiagnosed personality disorder going back many years that i'd benefit from having diagnosed properly. now, you might recall that you were always impressed by how i came off in an interview context - that is that there was a large disconnect between how i presented myself to you face-to-face and the outbursts that caused you to summon me to you. that same disconnect is acting to my disadvantage. that is, i come off very normal and stable. the truth is i AM very stable in the situation that i'm in and don't really want things to change. i'm also fully cognizant that it's difficult to extrapolate my symptoms from interviewing me. i'm going to have to present an argument that's based on a long history of antisocial behaviour going back to my early childhood - and that is well documented through behavioural reports in grade school, high school and university.
so, i'm hoping you can send me the reports that you filled out about me so that i can take them to a psychiatric evaluation as evidence of this long, long undiagnosed underlying issue. even if it doesn't get me to odsp, i need it properly diagnosed and understood.
in hindsight, i actually feel i should have been diagnosed before the age of 15, at least. the argument was always that i was very "bright" and that a diagnosis would negatively impact my future. but as time has played out, it's become clear that the underlying concerns need to be dealt with and that the fact that they never were has really been far more negative than positive. i don't know what diagnosis is forthcoming - i think it's going to depend a lot on how the evidence is interpreted - but i couldn't imagine somebody sorting through the suspensions and near expulsions i experienced through a 20 year academic career without pulling something debilitating out of it.
so, i'd appreciate that tremendously. again, let me know if i need to send this from a different address. i don't know if i even still know the passwords, though...
director of student affairs, carleton university
Hi Jessica,
I remember you. Good to hear from you. Sounds like things are going ok. I did my undergrad at Windsor. Lots of memories. I know in recent years the town hasn't been doing so hot. Hopefully things are getting better, particularly in the downtown core.
It shouldn't be a problem for me to pull up some of my emails and then send them to you again, but I will need you to send me an email from your CU account. I'll send the emails there and you'll have them for your records to support your appeal. I'm suspect the process of getting back into your Carleton account is pretty straightforward. Once you get access, let me know and I'll send you the information.
Let me know if that sounds like an acceptable course of action.
well, i've sent emails out to the four schools i've been to since
grade three. i don't remember before grade three. i'm not quite sure
why. anyways, we'll find out if anybody reads these things or if they're
dead addresses....
give it a few days before i start calling.
i'm quite certain i'll get a response from ryan at carleton, and it may be all i need.
give it a few days before i start calling.
i'm quite certain i'll get a response from ryan at carleton, and it may be all i need.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
except that i think i have a mild fever...
did they get a vaccine done, yet?
they're testing one...
http://windsorstar.com/health/windsor-paramedics-don-protective-gear-to-treat-patient-showing-ebola-symptoms
http://woodtv.com/2014/10/29/report-8-monitored-in-mi-for-ebola-virus/
the doctor i've been dealing with in the local clinic is actually from nigeria. i have no idea if she's been back and forth recently.
(i only know she's from nigeria because she speaks yoruba, and i happen to know (i'm a geek) that this is a local nigerian language group)
the only situations i can conceive of possibly being at risk are:
(1) when i took my temperature under my tongue at the hospital, but they swore it was safe.
(2) when i stole a toke on the 18th from some hippie strangers. gee, wouldn't that be awkward.
i wasn't in close enough contact with the doctor for it to even be a paranoia issue.
and i'm not sure if my "fever" is legit or the result of the temperature in here.
i have a tendency for mild paranoia. but, dammit, i could be rationalizing myself into something nasty, here.
pizza runs don't last more than 24 hours. i'll wait until tomorrow and make a decision. but i don't see any obvious path of exposure. meaning that if i'm infected, there's a pretty serious problem here in windsor.
i'm not coughing or anything. mild stomach irritation, but that's normal, given that i'm constantly drinking coffee.
let's see how my body reacts to some antacids...
see, this happens all the time, though - i get freaked out over something quasi-rational, then i carefully (even somewhat neurotically) work through it. meaning i'm able to rationalize through whatever pathology is freaking me out. but that level of control is a mask. here's the thing: i don't know what my success rate really is. let's say it's 99% - probably higher than it truly is. what that means is i'm a ticking time bomb, and you want to keep me out of stressful environments.
but, you can't diagnose it until it's too late.
i can't think of any reason why a sane person would walk into a doctor's office and try to convince them otherwise. if i really wanted to fraud the system, i'd break my back or literally shoot myself in the foot or something. accepting and pushing for a mental diagnosis is pretty strong evidence in itself that something's not right there. you know, and you try and be responsible and get help and they don't listen...
i'm needing to sit myself down and convince myself i don't have ebola. i think i'm succeeding. but it's symptomatic of a general difficulty in interpreting reality.
and if that leads to some crazy behaviour, nobody can say i didn't try and get help for it.
i don't need drugs that are going to turn me into a zombie. i just need to avoid stress.
and i want to be clear what my diagnosis is: the reagan revolution has pushed backwards conservative ideologies about social services into the system itself, and those backwards views are blocking me from gaining access to the help that i require.
i don't feel i'm dealing with a systems breakdown, a lack of funding or a broken medical infrastructure. i feel i'm dealing with doctors that are putting their political views ahead of their medical practice.
they're not doing what's best for the patient, they're reacting to a feeling of being overtaxed and seeking to behave in a way that they feel will reduce their tax burden - whether that harms the patient in front of them or not.
if you understand reality in terms of class conflict, it puts just about any doctor in a conflict of interest when it comes to approving just about any kind of disability.
if you take that to it's logical conclusion, it's an argument for a guaranteed income (because you can't cut doctor's salaries next door to a giant, unregulated market). that would probably be sufficient in my case, and sufficient in the case of many other people in this difficult to clearly diagnose grey area.
it's abundantly clear i can't work.
it's not so clear what the reason for it is.
hopefully somebody can see through this properly.
i mean, the average salary is over 300K, but they're paying 40-50% taxes on it. on top of that, they're paying property taxes - and, of course, almost all of them actually are. they have an interest in finding ways to reduce their tax burden, which will present itself in keeping costs down. so, they're not in any way an unbiased arbiter of who ought to be receiving social services. they're just not....
in order to jump through those hoops, mentally, you have to romanticize the hippocrates oath into a noble pledge and elevate them into noble warriors for justice. a moment's reflection with anybody that's dealt with a doctor knows that's fucking bunk.
you'll find a few that are something like the tv characters, putting their own health on the line for their patients.
but, my understanding is that the psychological profile of the average doctor is actually bordering on psychopathy - and has to be, because there's much less than a 100% success rate. the only way you can do a job where you fail 30-40% of the time is if you keep a certain emotional distance.
what it means is dr. house is probably the better representative, overall.
whatever diagnosis comes out of this - schizophrenia, high level autism, bpd, manic depression - is going to require a lot of discussion to uncover, and that needs a physician that's willing to invest the time in it - and quite frankly against their own financial interests.
at the most basic crude level, you'd have to think that if somebody does crazy things over and over again, or feels crazy urges over and over again, then they must be crazy. the fact that the person has been able to mostly keep out of trouble and/or gain access to a support system that's kept them out of trouble doesn't negate all the crazy things and crazy thoughts. it does, however, mean that if you remove that support system then the up-to-now not experienced consequences will produce themselves. i guess i'm just having a really hard time grasping the need to actually flip out before i'm taken seriously, partly, i guess, because it wasn't really necessary in the past.
i guess i had a very strong support system with my father that only failed around the time he wasn't able to make his own decisions due to diagnosis of cancer (and i've long suspected he was aware of the diagnosis considerably before i found out, that the events that occurred in late 2011 were a consequence of his already understood diagnosis and that the only reason i really found out at all was because of the situation. i even suspect that the reason he pushed so hard to have me move home was because he knew he was terminal, and the reason she refused so violently is also that she knew he was terminal. that fucked my situation up profoundly because it left me homeless, but there were complex reasons underlying it.). i went pretty cleanly from that support system to the state as a support system. this is really the first time i'm facing the possibility of lacking that system of support. the reality is that i haven't been able to survive without it, and i'm not going to be able to survive without it. i just simply didn't need a diagnosis or state aid because i had a family that was taking care of me, which i don't have any more.
in hindsight, i probably should have gone through all of this ten-fifteen years ago.
all of the symptoms were there. it just wasn't necessary to do.
i mean, what happened was:
(1) i can't pay my rent
(2) he convinces me to move home
(3) i give my two months
(4) i'm told i can't move home
(5) i've already given my two months, so, i'm now homeless
(6) i flip out on him
(7) i find out he has cancer
(8) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
but i think what actually happened was:
(1) he learns he has cancer
(2) i can't pay my rent
(3) he convinces me to come home - *because* he has cancer and he wants me there. he doesn't tell her...
(4) i give my two months
(5) she refuses to let me move home - *because* she knows he's terminal, and doesn't want me there after the fact, which is why he didn't tell her.
(6) i've already given my two months, so, now i'm homeless.
(7) i flip out on him.
(8) i find out he has cancer
(9) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
in all honesty? if he had told me he had cancer, i would have never given my two months....
i mean, the idea of me sharing a house with jackie after my father's death is unthinkable - for both of us.
the point is i'm not just unable to support myself all of a sudden. i was hopeless the whole time. i just had a support system.
i mean, i don't have down syndrome, but suppose i did. that person could survive just fine through their family. but if their family all of sudden ceases to be, they now require outside assistance. i'm just exaggerating the condition to make the point.
it's the same fundamental circumstance - the difference is i never got diagnosed with what i should have been diagnosed with years and years ago.
and now it seems like there was nothing wrong, when, in truth, there was something wrong the whole time.
i mean, it goes back to my earlier argument - who wants that kind of diagnosis if they don't need it? i'm pretty high functioning in the sense that i don't need help carrying out tasks, so it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you'll be ok if you can find the right path. an autism diagnosis is kind of a dead end in a lot of ways. it's not something you want to jump at. but if i can get my school records...
actually, i wonder if i *can* get my school records. that's a huge argument in my favour right now.
i really should have been diagnosed with something in grade school.
just as a corollary of my behaviour.
the argument was always that i had really high marks, and any kind of diagnosis would just hurt my future.
in fact, i think the lack of diagnosis has hurt me much more.
i went through multiple suspensions in high school, i was nearly expelled, and before that my eighth grade teacher actually removed me from her classroom (i had to switch classes halfway through the year). if i had to guess, i'd say i probably spent more time in the hallway in grade 8 than i did in the classroom.
i just spent the time in the hallway doing homework or reading; my grades were like 90-95%, so nobody wanted to "disrupt my future". it's that POTENTIAL thing again....
when i was in my early 20s, i started writing all over my walls.
graphs.
charts.
i was looking for the center of power.
i've been (i think unfairly) accused of stalking two people. trolling, definitely. not stalking.....never been charges laid, never been any justification to lay any.....but it's certainly been anti-social behaviour.
i've been fired for bad punctuality repeatedly.
around 2006, i decided that the problem of existence can be reduced to chasing immortality. the only justification to exist is to attempt to find immortality. if you fail, you've lost nothing - if you succeed, you've justified your existence. any other type of existence is a waste of time.
i still believe this, i just don't think it's feasible before quantum computing becomes a reality, and i don't think that's feasible in my lifetime. all this talk of singularities is based on this exponential growth curve that i don't think is sustainable. there's a point where moore's law is going to flatten out and we're going to find ourselves up against a brick wall. there's a solution in quantum computing, but i think it's a ways beyond us.
consider fusion. 50 years ago, it was the future. we're still waiting.
we're going to be waiting quite a while for those quantum machines to be able to do anything useful, as well.
i mean, to begin with, we've got to understand da fuck is even happening. we're fumbling around in the dark looking for a light-switch with this - over-reaching the theoretical possibilities and assuming things beyond what is actually realistic.
you will fit on a usb key one day. for now, getting you there is well beyond our computing capabilities, and it's going to be that way for a long time.
so, i've resigned myself to the meaninglessness of my existence.
as rational as this all is, it's pretty nuts.
i really think getting those school records is the right way to start. i can excise my narcissism through providing my life story. and, anybody convinced i'm sane by the end....isn't.
there you go jess, that's using that noggin...
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
except that i think i have a mild fever...
did they get a vaccine done, yet?
they're testing one...
http://windsorstar.com/health/windsor-paramedics-don-protective-gear-to-treat-patient-showing-ebola-symptoms
http://woodtv.com/2014/10/29/report-8-monitored-in-mi-for-ebola-virus/
the doctor i've been dealing with in the local clinic is actually from nigeria. i have no idea if she's been back and forth recently.
(i only know she's from nigeria because she speaks yoruba, and i happen to know (i'm a geek) that this is a local nigerian language group)
the only situations i can conceive of possibly being at risk are:
(1) when i took my temperature under my tongue at the hospital, but they swore it was safe.
(2) when i stole a toke on the 18th from some hippie strangers. gee, wouldn't that be awkward.
i wasn't in close enough contact with the doctor for it to even be a paranoia issue.
and i'm not sure if my "fever" is legit or the result of the temperature in here.
i have a tendency for mild paranoia. but, dammit, i could be rationalizing myself into something nasty, here.
pizza runs don't last more than 24 hours. i'll wait until tomorrow and make a decision. but i don't see any obvious path of exposure. meaning that if i'm infected, there's a pretty serious problem here in windsor.
i'm not coughing or anything. mild stomach irritation, but that's normal, given that i'm constantly drinking coffee.
let's see how my body reacts to some antacids...
see, this happens all the time, though - i get freaked out over something quasi-rational, then i carefully (even somewhat neurotically) work through it. meaning i'm able to rationalize through whatever pathology is freaking me out. but that level of control is a mask. here's the thing: i don't know what my success rate really is. let's say it's 99% - probably higher than it truly is. what that means is i'm a ticking time bomb, and you want to keep me out of stressful environments.
but, you can't diagnose it until it's too late.
i can't think of any reason why a sane person would walk into a doctor's office and try to convince them otherwise. if i really wanted to fraud the system, i'd break my back or literally shoot myself in the foot or something. accepting and pushing for a mental diagnosis is pretty strong evidence in itself that something's not right there. you know, and you try and be responsible and get help and they don't listen...
i'm needing to sit myself down and convince myself i don't have ebola. i think i'm succeeding. but it's symptomatic of a general difficulty in interpreting reality.
and if that leads to some crazy behaviour, nobody can say i didn't try and get help for it.
i don't need drugs that are going to turn me into a zombie. i just need to avoid stress.
and i want to be clear what my diagnosis is: the reagan revolution has pushed backwards conservative ideologies about social services into the system itself, and those backwards views are blocking me from gaining access to the help that i require.
i don't feel i'm dealing with a systems breakdown, a lack of funding or a broken medical infrastructure. i feel i'm dealing with doctors that are putting their political views ahead of their medical practice.
they're not doing what's best for the patient, they're reacting to a feeling of being overtaxed and seeking to behave in a way that they feel will reduce their tax burden - whether that harms the patient in front of them or not.
if you understand reality in terms of class conflict, it puts just about any doctor in a conflict of interest when it comes to approving just about any kind of disability.
if you take that to it's logical conclusion, it's an argument for a guaranteed income (because you can't cut doctor's salaries next door to a giant, unregulated market). that would probably be sufficient in my case, and sufficient in the case of many other people in this difficult to clearly diagnose grey area.
it's abundantly clear i can't work.
it's not so clear what the reason for it is.
hopefully somebody can see through this properly.
i mean, the average salary is over 300K, but they're paying 40-50% taxes on it. on top of that, they're paying property taxes - and, of course, almost all of them actually are. they have an interest in finding ways to reduce their tax burden, which will present itself in keeping costs down. so, they're not in any way an unbiased arbiter of who ought to be receiving social services. they're just not....
in order to jump through those hoops, mentally, you have to romanticize the hippocrates oath into a noble pledge and elevate them into noble warriors for justice. a moment's reflection with anybody that's dealt with a doctor knows that's fucking bunk.
you'll find a few that are something like the tv characters, putting their own health on the line for their patients.
but, my understanding is that the psychological profile of the average doctor is actually bordering on psychopathy - and has to be, because there's much less than a 100% success rate. the only way you can do a job where you fail 30-40% of the time is if you keep a certain emotional distance.
what it means is dr. house is probably the better representative, overall.
whatever diagnosis comes out of this - schizophrenia, high level autism, bpd, manic depression - is going to require a lot of discussion to uncover, and that needs a physician that's willing to invest the time in it - and quite frankly against their own financial interests.
at the most basic crude level, you'd have to think that if somebody does crazy things over and over again, or feels crazy urges over and over again, then they must be crazy. the fact that the person has been able to mostly keep out of trouble and/or gain access to a support system that's kept them out of trouble doesn't negate all the crazy things and crazy thoughts. it does, however, mean that if you remove that support system then the up-to-now not experienced consequences will produce themselves. i guess i'm just having a really hard time grasping the need to actually flip out before i'm taken seriously, partly, i guess, because it wasn't really necessary in the past.
i guess i had a very strong support system with my father that only failed around the time he wasn't able to make his own decisions due to diagnosis of cancer (and i've long suspected he was aware of the diagnosis considerably before i found out, that the events that occurred in late 2011 were a consequence of his already understood diagnosis and that the only reason i really found out at all was because of the situation. i even suspect that the reason he pushed so hard to have me move home was because he knew he was terminal, and the reason she refused so violently is also that she knew he was terminal. that fucked my situation up profoundly because it left me homeless, but there were complex reasons underlying it.). i went pretty cleanly from that support system to the state as a support system. this is really the first time i'm facing the possibility of lacking that system of support. the reality is that i haven't been able to survive without it, and i'm not going to be able to survive without it. i just simply didn't need a diagnosis or state aid because i had a family that was taking care of me, which i don't have any more.
in hindsight, i probably should have gone through all of this ten-fifteen years ago.
all of the symptoms were there. it just wasn't necessary to do.
i mean, what happened was:
(1) i can't pay my rent
(2) he convinces me to move home
(3) i give my two months
(4) i'm told i can't move home
(5) i've already given my two months, so, i'm now homeless
(6) i flip out on him
(7) i find out he has cancer
(8) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
but i think what actually happened was:
(1) he learns he has cancer
(2) i can't pay my rent
(3) he convinces me to come home - *because* he has cancer and he wants me there. he doesn't tell her...
(4) i give my two months
(5) she refuses to let me move home - *because* she knows he's terminal, and doesn't want me there after the fact, which is why he didn't tell her.
(6) i've already given my two months, so, now i'm homeless.
(7) i flip out on him.
(8) i find out he has cancer
(9) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
in all honesty? if he had told me he had cancer, i would have never given my two months....
i mean, the idea of me sharing a house with jackie after my father's death is unthinkable - for both of us.
the point is i'm not just unable to support myself all of a sudden. i was hopeless the whole time. i just had a support system.
i mean, i don't have down syndrome, but suppose i did. that person could survive just fine through their family. but if their family all of sudden ceases to be, they now require outside assistance. i'm just exaggerating the condition to make the point.
it's the same fundamental circumstance - the difference is i never got diagnosed with what i should have been diagnosed with years and years ago.
and now it seems like there was nothing wrong, when, in truth, there was something wrong the whole time.
i mean, it goes back to my earlier argument - who wants that kind of diagnosis if they don't need it? i'm pretty high functioning in the sense that i don't need help carrying out tasks, so it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you'll be ok if you can find the right path. an autism diagnosis is kind of a dead end in a lot of ways. it's not something you want to jump at. but if i can get my school records...
actually, i wonder if i *can* get my school records. that's a huge argument in my favour right now.
i really should have been diagnosed with something in grade school.
just as a corollary of my behaviour.
the argument was always that i had really high marks, and any kind of diagnosis would just hurt my future.
in fact, i think the lack of diagnosis has hurt me much more.
i went through multiple suspensions in high school, i was nearly expelled, and before that my eighth grade teacher actually removed me from her classroom (i had to switch classes halfway through the year). if i had to guess, i'd say i probably spent more time in the hallway in grade 8 than i did in the classroom.
i just spent the time in the hallway doing homework or reading; my grades were like 90-95%, so nobody wanted to "disrupt my future". it's that POTENTIAL thing again....
when i was in my early 20s, i started writing all over my walls.
graphs.
charts.
i was looking for the center of power.
i've been (i think unfairly) accused of stalking two people. trolling, definitely. not stalking.....never been charges laid, never been any justification to lay any.....but it's certainly been anti-social behaviour.
i've been fired for bad punctuality repeatedly.
around 2006, i decided that the problem of existence can be reduced to chasing immortality. the only justification to exist is to attempt to find immortality. if you fail, you've lost nothing - if you succeed, you've justified your existence. any other type of existence is a waste of time.
i still believe this, i just don't think it's feasible before quantum computing becomes a reality, and i don't think that's feasible in my lifetime. all this talk of singularities is based on this exponential growth curve that i don't think is sustainable. there's a point where moore's law is going to flatten out and we're going to find ourselves up against a brick wall. there's a solution in quantum computing, but i think it's a ways beyond us.
consider fusion. 50 years ago, it was the future. we're still waiting.
we're going to be waiting quite a while for those quantum machines to be able to do anything useful, as well.
i mean, to begin with, we've got to understand da fuck is even happening. we're fumbling around in the dark looking for a light-switch with this - over-reaching the theoretical possibilities and assuming things beyond what is actually realistic.
you will fit on a usb key one day. for now, getting you there is well beyond our computing capabilities, and it's going to be that way for a long time.
so, i've resigned myself to the meaninglessness of my existence.
as rational as this all is, it's pretty nuts.
i really think getting those school records is the right way to start. i can excise my narcissism through providing my life story. and, anybody convinced i'm sane by the end....isn't.
there you go jess, that's using that noggin...
it turns out the evaluation he wanted to send me to was to a couple of social workers with no medical credentials. the secretary and i agreed that this was essentially a waste of time, until i could state a goal to overcome - which in my case is not in a form that they can treat. if i tell them i have no motivation to live, they can try to help me work through the lack of motivation, but they can't diagnose me with anything or fill out my papers. their purpose is to help me overcome the existential dread, rather than put me on a path where i can live with it, which is not going to happen in my circumstance - because it's the consequence of a logical process.
in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.
so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".
i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.
stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.
the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.
so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.
for now, i need to get a drum part done...
in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.
so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".
i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.
stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.
the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.
so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.
for now, i need to get a drum part done...
and, there's my new front page file for the next week....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdjPvgGh2qw
this track opens my second cassette demo. i had to sneak into my sister's room after school (or skip the second half of the day to come home early) to get access to the synthesizer and metronome. it's a pretty basic recording that cycles mostly around the effects work. it's also the second half of a piece meant to explore extreme mood swings.
audio: inertia (1997)
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/inertia
film: borrowed without permission:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS_oLmWlG8s
it may be automatic, but the parasite seems to be going through a ritualistic process of mourning. it seems to lovingly caress it's dead host in the process of saying goodbye. yet, it's movements also suggest that it is emotionally crushed by the loss. the sound & images, put together, accomplish that mourning process in a sort of ballet. i found this to be haunting and beautiful.
does love really differ from parasitism?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdjPvgGh2qw
this track opens my second cassette demo. i had to sneak into my sister's room after school (or skip the second half of the day to come home early) to get access to the synthesizer and metronome. it's a pretty basic recording that cycles mostly around the effects work. it's also the second half of a piece meant to explore extreme mood swings.
audio: inertia (1997)
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/inertia
film: borrowed without permission:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS_oLmWlG8s
it may be automatic, but the parasite seems to be going through a ritualistic process of mourning. it seems to lovingly caress it's dead host in the process of saying goodbye. yet, it's movements also suggest that it is emotionally crushed by the loss. the sound & images, put together, accomplish that mourning process in a sort of ballet. i found this to be haunting and beautiful.
does love really differ from parasitism?
obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...
it's aesthetic, and sort of a random choice. the influence is the mellotron, in general. i was trying to get that "angels singing" mellotron sound at the end of the track. this song occupies such a weird space in my childhood, as my favourite lullaby...it's like implant-burned into my brain...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence, confused)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01CnBGWvBpE
it's aesthetic, and sort of a random choice. the influence is the mellotron, in general. i was trying to get that "angels singing" mellotron sound at the end of the track. this song occupies such a weird space in my childhood, as my favourite lullaby...it's like implant-burned into my brain...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence, confused)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01CnBGWvBpE
obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...
these haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. i ended up using this is as the template for two simple reasons:
(1) it was one of the few songs in the style i'd heard
(2) i didn't really know how to play the synthesizer. in fact, i had to skip school to get access to the thing in my sister's room.
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1vxJb6MQ34
these haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. i ended up using this is as the template for two simple reasons:
(1) it was one of the few songs in the style i'd heard
(2) i didn't really know how to play the synthesizer. in fact, i had to skip school to get access to the thing in my sister's room.
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1vxJb6MQ34
obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...
well, not really. but the funny thing is that this is basically identical to what i was writing at almost exactly the same time. i finished my track in march, 1997; this was first released in april. unless he's secretly a cia agent, billy couldn't have possibly heard my tune. in fact, nobody had, as i didn't want anybody to know i was sneaking into my sister's room to use her keyboard. i didn't actually hear this version of the end... until late 97 or early 98 - iirc, i downloaded it from netphoria and dumped it on a cassette with other pumpkins rarities. i didn't even have internet access in march, 1997 (i did by about august or so, roughly) . but the similarity is so strong that they're basically the same song.
these influential on posts haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. this is the dark half...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmCrT6XkdMc
as for this tune? listening to it all these years later, it sounds strangely clinical. kind of like a grade school voice leading project. had he played those arpeggios on an analog synth instead....
well, not really. but the funny thing is that this is basically identical to what i was writing at almost exactly the same time. i finished my track in march, 1997; this was first released in april. unless he's secretly a cia agent, billy couldn't have possibly heard my tune. in fact, nobody had, as i didn't want anybody to know i was sneaking into my sister's room to use her keyboard. i didn't actually hear this version of the end... until late 97 or early 98 - iirc, i downloaded it from netphoria and dumped it on a cassette with other pumpkins rarities. i didn't even have internet access in march, 1997 (i did by about august or so, roughly) . but the similarity is so strong that they're basically the same song.
these influential on posts haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. this is the dark half...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmCrT6XkdMc
as for this tune? listening to it all these years later, it sounds strangely clinical. kind of like a grade school voice leading project. had he played those arpeggios on an analog synth instead....
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
so, today is the last day of the inri001 youtube promo cycle, and i have to say that hits are down dramatically over the last week (after spiking out of nowhere at the beginning of the month). we're talking shockingly low view counts the last week - the lowest i've seen in months. the curve is actually even in jeopardy...
but that break i had last month really killed the attachment. i ended up beating the curve at the last minute, but i didn't really care that i did. and i don't really care if i do this month or not, either...
but, how did i do over the six months promotional period? well, it looks like i'm going to come up short of 10,000 views on the 8 videos, but it's well over 9500. i would have liked to see that last track get to 1000, but it will reappear in the inriched promo cycle roughly two years from now.
i wasn't expecting to sell any copies of the demo itself (it's only available for download), but i've managed a handful of sales over the last month.
as i switch tracks to inri002 at midnight, i *am* going to want to see the new collection of tracks hit higher view counts. i just want to see progress. i think i can make that happen...
but that break i had last month really killed the attachment. i ended up beating the curve at the last minute, but i didn't really care that i did. and i don't really care if i do this month or not, either...
but, how did i do over the six months promotional period? well, it looks like i'm going to come up short of 10,000 views on the 8 videos, but it's well over 9500. i would have liked to see that last track get to 1000, but it will reappear in the inriched promo cycle roughly two years from now.
i wasn't expecting to sell any copies of the demo itself (it's only available for download), but i've managed a handful of sales over the last month.
as i switch tracks to inri002 at midnight, i *am* going to want to see the new collection of tracks hit higher view counts. i just want to see progress. i think i can make that happen...
i'm glad i got a nice walk in today, at least. judging from last year, talk of "last nice day of the year" doesn't really apply to windsor. we'll get days in the mid teens throughout the winter, here. it'll rain significantly through each of the winter months. the severity of the weather seems to be defined by the severity of the air masses moving south, with a moderately mild climate in between. that is to say that the average winter day here really hovers around 0, and we only get worse than that when we get blasted by that north wind - but we'll also get much, much nicer than that when humid air masses come from the south. that's a big difference from ottawa, where you can expect week long blasts of -30 in between weeks of highs around -10. but it may be the last day of 20+ weather for a while, so i'm glad i got out to enjoy it. even if i had to deal with some rain...
the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.
i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.
i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.
1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.
i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.
so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.
if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...
again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.
i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.
i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.
the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.
the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".
the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....
it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.
i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.
the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.
i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.
i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.
1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.
i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.
so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.
if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...
again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.
i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.
i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.
the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.
the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".
the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....
it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.
i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.
Monday, October 27, 2014
re-uploading the wave (inri053) as a single file
i also got the file length restriction on my account lifted, meaning i'm uploading the wave in one file as it should be. that should be done in a few minutes...
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
i spent the morning doing cover art and pressing cds...it's nice to get them out....
for each disc, the first burn is the most time consuming because you have to do the actual layout. as more discs start moving, this should be a quicker process.
right now? i need to eat. you must think i'm always eating. quite the opposite, it's more like i put it off until i fall over and use it as a way to split the day up into pieces. i'm my own slave master, really. no food until the job is done!
but, this afternoon? i probably won't get any drums down, but i should hopefully get everything set up and ready for tomorrow.
i've pressed the following so far:
1) inri023: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/deny-everything
2) inri029: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
3) inri035: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
for each disc, the first burn is the most time consuming because you have to do the actual layout. as more discs start moving, this should be a quicker process.
right now? i need to eat. you must think i'm always eating. quite the opposite, it's more like i put it off until i fall over and use it as a way to split the day up into pieces. i'm my own slave master, really. no food until the job is done!
but, this afternoon? i probably won't get any drums down, but i should hopefully get everything set up and ready for tomorrow.
i've pressed the following so far:
1) inri023: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/deny-everything
2) inri029: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
3) inri035: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
first printed cd of the clarity single
i've got a fan in the uk. i get the impression he's working through the back catalog, so he will likely buy more as it comes up. this is what i was hoping would happen. if somebody really bites, they could drop close to $300 on it.
so, you're around $2.50-$3.00, now. the first one worked out to exactly $0.97. it'll be around $1.50 for the disc.
j
so, you're around $2.50-$3.00, now. the first one worked out to exactly $0.97. it'll be around $1.50 for the disc.
j
Sunday, October 26, 2014
uploading 9:46 to the scratch pad
there's a pre-drum temp mix uploading to the sketchpad. i think i'm done for the day.
i've got the core of it running through a room reverb that's made it sound good overall but the acoustic guitar is a little tinny at points. i'm going to have to find a way to thicken it up.
besides that, this is pretty much it, minus the drums. it's already a significant change from the initial 2002 mix...
i've got the core of it running through a room reverb that's made it sound good overall but the acoustic guitar is a little tinny at points. i'm going to have to find a way to thicken it up.
besides that, this is pretty much it, minus the drums. it's already a significant change from the initial 2002 mix...
yeah.
the guitar part in this track is very percussive, in order to
compensate for the lack of drums. it's also super busy. what that means
is i'm going to have to go to town with this, and drum out the parts
that the guitar implies. it should actually sound pretty wacked when it
gets put together...
the thing with me and drumming is that if i had found one years ago...
i'd need somebody very good, and what i do is very weird, and i lived in a very artistically dead place most of my life. i should probably start looking more seriously in detroit. my chances are way higher.
but, because i've been in need of a talented drummer so long and been unable to find one, i've come up with various approaches. one of the things i can do is play each drum separately. it's slow, but the reality is that you want each part mic'ed separately for mixing. i can build up complex - and often unusual - parts that way. that's going to be what i'm doing with this, because all the fills are already written in the syncopation.
this could be a few days.
the other thing is that i can't loop this because the parts aren't in any kind of time. i tend to prefer not to anyways - if i'm going to use loops i'd rather use machines for them - but it's not an option, here.
the thing with me and drumming is that if i had found one years ago...
i'd need somebody very good, and what i do is very weird, and i lived in a very artistically dead place most of my life. i should probably start looking more seriously in detroit. my chances are way higher.
but, because i've been in need of a talented drummer so long and been unable to find one, i've come up with various approaches. one of the things i can do is play each drum separately. it's slow, but the reality is that you want each part mic'ed separately for mixing. i can build up complex - and often unusual - parts that way. that's going to be what i'm doing with this, because all the fills are already written in the syncopation.
this could be a few days.
the other thing is that i can't loop this because the parts aren't in any kind of time. i tend to prefer not to anyways - if i'm going to use loops i'd rather use machines for them - but it's not an option, here.
shit,
that cage performance is an extended five minute piece. i think i'm
looking at ten-fifteen minutes, tops. i'm sure it'll be interesting, but
i wish it were a ten minute walk rather than a three-four hour process
to get back and forth under the tunnel. i can't help but feel my time is
better spent at home.
worse, it's that time of year where 5-6 degrees over night seems like trudging through a -20 blizzard. another week or two and you're used to it, but it's *right* at that icky point.
so, i guess i'm staying in.
i just assumed it was a concert-length piece.
it's more of a lecture, and a short "performance".
worse, it's that time of year where 5-6 degrees over night seems like trudging through a -20 blizzard. another week or two and you're used to it, but it's *right* at that icky point.
so, i guess i'm staying in.
i just assumed it was a concert-length piece.
it's more of a lecture, and a short "performance".
Saturday, October 25, 2014
i've got this reasonably synced, although i'm not entirely sure what i'm going to do with it yet.
the initial play on the track was with the digital corruption. it's supposed to be erratic and off-kilter. so, i'm thinking about going with out-of-time live drums to take it to the next level, to start with.
i think that was the only thing i wanted to add to it, but it was vetoed out in favour of the folk aesthetic....
i haven't used the kit yet since i've moved down here. the song only has six tracks, so it's a good way to get it up and running.
i'm also going to need to replace that rondo intro with something really noisy.
the initial play on the track was with the digital corruption. it's supposed to be erratic and off-kilter. so, i'm thinking about going with out-of-time live drums to take it to the next level, to start with.
i think that was the only thing i wanted to add to it, but it was vetoed out in favour of the folk aesthetic....
i haven't used the kit yet since i've moved down here. the song only has six tracks, so it's a good way to get it up and running.
i'm also going to need to replace that rondo intro with something really noisy.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
the day i saw you cry (first demo)
this is a messy folk punk first run through of the second incarnation of
this track, which was initially meant to be an industrial/punk song. it
would be nice to have another take of this, but i don't have one, so
it's better if you interpret this as a bonus track. there are completed
versions of this, but they're not like this...
recorded feb 19, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-day-i-saw-you-cry-first-demo
recorded feb 19, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-day-i-saw-you-cry-first-demo
9:16 outside of the magenta box
this is the original demo, that the main track was built over. it is completely unaltered from the 2002 file, which was recorded on feb 5, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/9-16-outside-the-magenta-box
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/9-16-outside-the-magenta-box
time (rabit is wolf mix)
hrmmn. i'm actually thinking i'm going to need to squeeze another single in to explore time as a techno/hip-hop "thing".
i think this is a good quirky early 00s pop song in the style of garbage or the smashing pumpkins, but the mix never resolved itself and the vocals are, in hindsight, somewhat of a noose around it...
listening to each part separately through headphones is just reminding me how thick it is and how poorly i got the thickness across.
written & recorded in late 2001 and early 2002 and mixed in early 2002.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/time
i think this is a good quirky early 00s pop song in the style of garbage or the smashing pumpkins, but the mix never resolved itself and the vocals are, in hindsight, somewhat of a noose around it...
listening to each part separately through headphones is just reminding me how thick it is and how poorly i got the thickness across.
written & recorded in late 2001 and early 2002 and mixed in early 2002.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/time
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
and,
actually, i found a file from 2002 - it was mixed quietly, so i've
taken it up, and while it doesn't null with the 2007 mix, it's close.
i've got volume differences and cd compression in the way. it certainly
nulls more with the 2007 mix than it does with the 2002 mp3, leading me
to believe it wasn't burnt from mp3 and the 2007 mix was the original.
it's not coming out in the form of a reverb ghost or something, it seems
like a volume difference, primarily.
but, i've got an a/b, there. i need to pick one of the two. either the 2002 mix was basically burnt from the same file (meaning the 2007 mix is the original file), or i've got some processing on the 2007 file to find. if i can't hear it, it's not there.....
...and i want to stick with the file at almost exactly the same volume as the 2002 mp3, which is the 2007 file, which is what i had to begin with.
note to self: leave notes to self.
but, i've got an a/b, there. i need to pick one of the two. either the 2002 mix was basically burnt from the same file (meaning the 2007 mix is the original file), or i've got some processing on the 2007 file to find. if i can't hear it, it's not there.....
...and i want to stick with the file at almost exactly the same volume as the 2002 mp3, which is the 2007 file, which is what i had to begin with.
note to self: leave notes to self.
actually, i've found a more scientific way to determine this.
1) the file i uploaded to bandcamp initially (sometime between 07 and 10) seems to be the same as the 2007 file. it's the same size, and it's nulling, even. so, the perception i'm having that the original upload sounds better is psychological.
2) the 2007 file i have is NOT the decompressed mp3, because, if it was, it would null. that being said, the intro nulls. so, i therefore must have taken the intro out of the mp3 and then done something else with the other file.
3) i'm slowly convincing myself that i didn't eq it.
bottom line: that's the file. i'm going to get to the point of remixing it, and i'll compare, but i think i'm dealing with a foobar fail. it sounds "right" in cool edit...
so, i'm about to update that.
1) the file i uploaded to bandcamp initially (sometime between 07 and 10) seems to be the same as the 2007 file. it's the same size, and it's nulling, even. so, the perception i'm having that the original upload sounds better is psychological.
2) the 2007 file i have is NOT the decompressed mp3, because, if it was, it would null. that being said, the intro nulls. so, i therefore must have taken the intro out of the mp3 and then done something else with the other file.
3) i'm slowly convincing myself that i didn't eq it.
bottom line: that's the file. i'm going to get to the point of remixing it, and i'll compare, but i think i'm dealing with a foobar fail. it sounds "right" in cool edit...
so, i'm about to update that.
uploading already completed tracks to inri055
1) http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/dnnng
2) this is a little messy, but such is the charm of acoustic demos. this was recorded live through a tascam four-track into cool edit (running on a PIII), with sean on the right channel and myself on the left channel and then mixed into stereo afterwards. unfortunately, you can hear the hard drive recorder skip at a few points; i ended up working it into the composition, but it wasn't initially intentional.
this was meant to purely be a demo, but i ended up just building the mix on top of it.
written and recorded in early 2002. track released feb 5, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/9-16-outside-the-magenta-box-acoustic-demo
3) this is the original vocal mix from 2002, and also appears on the rabit is wolf demo.
written and recorded in early 2002. track released february 8, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/9-46-outside-the-magenta-box-original-full-mix
2) this is a little messy, but such is the charm of acoustic demos. this was recorded live through a tascam four-track into cool edit (running on a PIII), with sean on the right channel and myself on the left channel and then mixed into stereo afterwards. unfortunately, you can hear the hard drive recorder skip at a few points; i ended up working it into the composition, but it wasn't initially intentional.
this was meant to purely be a demo, but i ended up just building the mix on top of it.
written and recorded in early 2002. track released feb 5, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/9-16-outside-the-magenta-box-acoustic-demo
3) this is the original vocal mix from 2002, and also appears on the rabit is wolf demo.
written and recorded in early 2002. track released february 8, 2002.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/9-46-outside-the-magenta-box-original-full-mix
so, the 9:46 single is going to be february/02, basically. the rabit material is unique in having otherwise discarded mixes that differ dramatically from final versions - i generally work on the track until it's done and that's it but with all the stylistic upheavals and the influence of 1.5 other people, it got messier than normal. so, i'm going to fill it up with goodies, 'cause why not...
there'll be a few tracks with minor or no mods up almost immediately.
unlike clarity, the final version is going to be significantly remixed. it was a messy mix that i mostly tossed together as a demo in the wee hours of a frozen february morning. there's even some digital corruption in the file. it wasn't meant to be final. but the vocals carried it as it was well enough that it didn't need it, really. if i'm going to reclaim this as an instrumental, it needs significant work to get there.
so, workflow on this:
1) acoustic tour demo mix (also on acoustic tour ep)
2) vocal mix (also on rabit demo)
3) instrumental mix (also on j^2)
4) extra demos from feb, 2002 - mostly as is, and mostly otherwise orphaned files
there'll be a few tracks with minor or no mods up almost immediately.
unlike clarity, the final version is going to be significantly remixed. it was a messy mix that i mostly tossed together as a demo in the wee hours of a frozen february morning. there's even some digital corruption in the file. it wasn't meant to be final. but the vocals carried it as it was well enough that it didn't need it, really. if i'm going to reclaim this as an instrumental, it needs significant work to get there.
so, workflow on this:
1) acoustic tour demo mix (also on acoustic tour ep)
2) vocal mix (also on rabit demo)
3) instrumental mix (also on j^2)
4) extra demos from feb, 2002 - mostly as is, and mostly otherwise orphaned files
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
it looks like i've got six months left to live. that might change, but it's how i'm going to be acting for the foreseeable future. so, i need to pick up the pace.
i'm not going to compromise on the product, i'm just going to stop focusing on promotion. it will be a roughly weekly ritual from this point until i figure out how much longer i've really got.
i'm not going to compromise on the product, i'm just going to stop focusing on promotion. it will be a roughly weekly ritual from this point until i figure out how much longer i've really got.
so, they decided to make the forms due on my birthday. aren't they sweet....
if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.
i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.
i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.
i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.
kind of cold to hitch, though.
no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.
i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.
like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.
i suppose i can try another shrink, but....
i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".
"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.
i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...
she's in tuesday mornings...
guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...
i'm just going to have to level with them.
i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.
the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.
in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.
90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....
if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.
i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.
i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.
i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.
kind of cold to hitch, though.
no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.
i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.
like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.
i suppose i can try another shrink, but....
i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".
"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.
i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...
she's in tuesday mornings...
guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...
i'm just going to have to level with them.
i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.
the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.
in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.
90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....
clarity (final album mix)
i need to point out that *this* is really going to be the final
cynicide/rabit release, that takes the best material out of the period
and puts it together into a single record. go ahead and listen to the
first two tracks. it's already epic. an elephant in the womb, indeed....
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-2
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-2
publishing clarity (inri054)
the core
loops involved in clarity were initially created in the late summer of
2001, with the intent of being the opening sequence in a new inri
project (with the long kicked-around working title of 'trinri'). while i
had fairly firmly put the inri moniker down around my 19th birthday
(late 1999), i was also coming out of a lengthy "serious music" phase
and was getting a desire to write in a more structured, synth-pop type
direction, as i had for years previously. this urge was happening about
the same as i was being coerced into starting a rock band with some high
school acquaintances.
around october, i started working on a separate noise project that was meant to splice harsh electronic noise with anarchist politics. this produced two tracks at the time, which are now available as a short single as inri032. at the time, it wasn't clear to me where those ideas would lead.
by november it was clear that the rock band wasn't happening, but it turned out the singer had tastes that correlated reasonably well with what i was thinking about creating for the trinri project. these two projects consequently merged into rabit is wolf, and the material i was kicking around for use in trinri ended up becoming the core of what rabit is wolf became.
as i was recording parts for clarity, i ended up reusing ideas from the noise project. i further reused those ideas in constructing a 2004 noise collage for inclusion on the record that finally came out of the noise project. both noise collages are present in order to comprehensively explore the ideas existing within clarity.
zen was recorded with sean over december, 2001. i have chosen not to complete a version of the wave (inri034) that was also being discussed at the time, but would have fit into this release well, conceptually.
clarity was completed (with vocals) over january, 2002. the nature of rabit (along with the songs i had written for it) took a sharp turn towards folk almost immediately. this collection is consequently quite different than the official rabit demo, which is much more song-oriented. over the years, i've always wanted to have a rabit release that was darker, noisier and more chaotic and am glad to have it in the form of this ep-single, which could be viewed as a secondary demo. put another way, this is the comprehensive representation of the second (electro/noise/industrial) incarnation of rabit is wolf.
however, there are two factors complicating clarity as a solely rabit is wolf production. the first is that sean was never really happy with the result - a shame as i consider his vocal performance and lyrics to be the best of the songs we did together. the second is that i always felt the track was "mine" and should have had an instrumental mix. that is, i've always regretted not saving an instrumental mix.
for these reasons, i've revisited the track as an instrumental and left two snapshots - 11/2001 and 01/2002. this second snapshot (which is to be considered a final mix) will also appear on my upcoming 6th record, dated to the end of 2002.
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), mandolin, sequencers, synthesizers, drum & melodic programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, digital wave editing, sound design (loops, granular synthesis, noise generators), production
sean - vocals/lyrics (3,5), harmonica (4,5)
released february 1, 2002
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
around october, i started working on a separate noise project that was meant to splice harsh electronic noise with anarchist politics. this produced two tracks at the time, which are now available as a short single as inri032. at the time, it wasn't clear to me where those ideas would lead.
by november it was clear that the rock band wasn't happening, but it turned out the singer had tastes that correlated reasonably well with what i was thinking about creating for the trinri project. these two projects consequently merged into rabit is wolf, and the material i was kicking around for use in trinri ended up becoming the core of what rabit is wolf became.
as i was recording parts for clarity, i ended up reusing ideas from the noise project. i further reused those ideas in constructing a 2004 noise collage for inclusion on the record that finally came out of the noise project. both noise collages are present in order to comprehensively explore the ideas existing within clarity.
zen was recorded with sean over december, 2001. i have chosen not to complete a version of the wave (inri034) that was also being discussed at the time, but would have fit into this release well, conceptually.
clarity was completed (with vocals) over january, 2002. the nature of rabit (along with the songs i had written for it) took a sharp turn towards folk almost immediately. this collection is consequently quite different than the official rabit demo, which is much more song-oriented. over the years, i've always wanted to have a rabit release that was darker, noisier and more chaotic and am glad to have it in the form of this ep-single, which could be viewed as a secondary demo. put another way, this is the comprehensive representation of the second (electro/noise/industrial) incarnation of rabit is wolf.
however, there are two factors complicating clarity as a solely rabit is wolf production. the first is that sean was never really happy with the result - a shame as i consider his vocal performance and lyrics to be the best of the songs we did together. the second is that i always felt the track was "mine" and should have had an instrumental mix. that is, i've always regretted not saving an instrumental mix.
for these reasons, i've revisited the track as an instrumental and left two snapshots - 11/2001 and 01/2002. this second snapshot (which is to be considered a final mix) will also appear on my upcoming 6th record, dated to the end of 2002.
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), mandolin, sequencers, synthesizers, drum & melodic programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, digital wave editing, sound design (loops, granular synthesis, noise generators), production
sean - vocals/lyrics (3,5), harmonica (4,5)
released february 1, 2002
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
i've listened to and tweaked around with the eq and compression on clarity all day, and i'm just about to leave it as it is. every time i change something, it becomes something i'm not used to hearing. i operate pretty strongly on intuition. that is, i tend to just fuck with it until it sounds "right". what i'm realizing is that what sounds "right" is the way it sounded 12 years ago, due to listening to it that way so many times. i guess this is a thing that happens, and that we all do it to our own music and the music of others - through repeated listening, the imperfections on the track become a part of the track, to the point that it can't exist without them. i'd bet this frustrates the fuck out of paul mccartney....
even the piano part. it's sloppy. i think i was drunk. i wanted it to have that suave, amateurish new wave bash to it (it's a stylistic trait of mine, through a lot of my recordings), but it came out weirdly meek sounding. like i wanted to smash the keyboard but was drunk. which i think is literally true...
i can't replace it, though. i've mentally cycled through a number of more sophisticated parts, and they all convert the track into something it may have once become but hasn't been since it was created. i've thought about rebashing a little harder, but it's the same fundamental concern.
so, the 2002 instrumental mix is going to be the final mix on this. predictable posting flurry is coming...
even the piano part. it's sloppy. i think i was drunk. i wanted it to have that suave, amateurish new wave bash to it (it's a stylistic trait of mine, through a lot of my recordings), but it came out weirdly meek sounding. like i wanted to smash the keyboard but was drunk. which i think is literally true...
i can't replace it, though. i've mentally cycled through a number of more sophisticated parts, and they all convert the track into something it may have once become but hasn't been since it was created. i've thought about rebashing a little harder, but it's the same fundamental concern.
so, the 2002 instrumental mix is going to be the final mix on this. predictable posting flurry is coming...
Monday, October 20, 2014
so, i got my letter of doom today. it's a package of forms to fill out.
considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.
the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...
if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.
see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?
i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.
"you're holding us up with a gun!"
it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.
so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.
i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.
but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...
i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.
it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.
if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...
i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.
considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.
the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...
if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.
see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?
i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.
"you're holding us up with a gun!"
it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.
so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.
i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.
but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...
i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.
it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.
if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...
i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.
clarity single up
ok, to recall, i so far have three rabit releases complete.
inri030:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/me-myself-and-the-time-i-thought-this-was-a-good-idea
inri034:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
inri035:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
i'll be adding a final remixed instrumental clarity as track seven which will really just be a bit punchier. i'm going to want to rewrite that piano part, too. but the vocal aspect of the ep is done.
i have actually surprisingly recently sold some discs (my youtube promotion is getting a lot of hits - i'm at about 3000/month and growing steadily), so i need to run through that. no rabit sales yet, so i don't owe you anything yet. as i've had no feedback, the way i've decided to do this is split the rabit sales with you and split the cynicide sales with jon - and the latter is really me being generous. i have sold one cynicide disc, but i undercharged for shipping (oops), so i owe jon about $0.50. i'll contact him if or when it gets close to $20....
that cynicide disc is this:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
all the rabit material will be in ep form, which i'm selling at $7/disc (plus shipping) or $2.50 to download the whole disc (no single track downloads, i think that's bullshit). i need to give 10% of that to bandcamp and around another 10% to paypal (unless they circumvent it). so, you can take out about 20% for fees.
so, (2.50 - 0.2*2.50)/2 = $1. that's what you have coming to you per download. i do hope to increase the prices in time, but right now i think that would be counter-productive. i'd also be paying more in fees.
it's about $3.00 to make a disc when you add up the cost of a printable cd, the ink, the paper and the case. if i start selling a significant number of cds, i'll be able to reduce that cost by buying in bulk, but that's what it is for now.
again, (7 - 0.2*7 - 3)/2 = $1.30. so, that's what you'll have coming to you per rabit disc. and, again, i hope to increase the price in time, but for now it's counter-productive....
and, you have to keep in mind that i'm getting exactly the same low profit rate on the disc. then again, you have to keep in mind that that's not really different than what the average major label artist gets per disc, either - if anything, it's a better deal than average.
there's going to be a 9:46 single with instrumental mixes, a six-track rabit demo (clarity, 9:46, psi, time, myself, day) and the completed "tour ep" of acoustic versions that never happened. it's all going to be at the same price/profit rate and hopefully be done within a month or so.
(pause)
sorry, one more thing - i should point out that i have the "pay more if you want" thing clicked off. if somebody decides they want to give me $100 for a rabit disc, you'll get (100-0.2*100 -3)/2 = $38.50 out of it. the formula is obviously (0.8x - 3)/2, summed over all prices that come to me. from what i've seen so far, it seems to be that people interpret the price as a suggestion, so we'll see how that works out...
(pause)
two quick notes are immediately necessary:
1) somebody very quickly downloaded the clarity single, so there you go.
2) the bandcamp cut on downloads is 15%, not 10% as i said before. it's 10% on physical media. hey, this is new to me, too. so, i owe you a little less than a $1 - i haven't calculated the exact paypal amount yet. i'm going to wait until it's more than the cost of shipping a check...you'll have to trust me, but you know you can....i didn't have to tell you at all, really..
inri030:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/me-myself-and-the-time-i-thought-this-was-a-good-idea
inri034:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
inri035:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
i'll be adding a final remixed instrumental clarity as track seven which will really just be a bit punchier. i'm going to want to rewrite that piano part, too. but the vocal aspect of the ep is done.
i have actually surprisingly recently sold some discs (my youtube promotion is getting a lot of hits - i'm at about 3000/month and growing steadily), so i need to run through that. no rabit sales yet, so i don't owe you anything yet. as i've had no feedback, the way i've decided to do this is split the rabit sales with you and split the cynicide sales with jon - and the latter is really me being generous. i have sold one cynicide disc, but i undercharged for shipping (oops), so i owe jon about $0.50. i'll contact him if or when it gets close to $20....
that cynicide disc is this:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
all the rabit material will be in ep form, which i'm selling at $7/disc (plus shipping) or $2.50 to download the whole disc (no single track downloads, i think that's bullshit). i need to give 10% of that to bandcamp and around another 10% to paypal (unless they circumvent it). so, you can take out about 20% for fees.
so, (2.50 - 0.2*2.50)/2 = $1. that's what you have coming to you per download. i do hope to increase the prices in time, but right now i think that would be counter-productive. i'd also be paying more in fees.
it's about $3.00 to make a disc when you add up the cost of a printable cd, the ink, the paper and the case. if i start selling a significant number of cds, i'll be able to reduce that cost by buying in bulk, but that's what it is for now.
again, (7 - 0.2*7 - 3)/2 = $1.30. so, that's what you'll have coming to you per rabit disc. and, again, i hope to increase the price in time, but for now it's counter-productive....
and, you have to keep in mind that i'm getting exactly the same low profit rate on the disc. then again, you have to keep in mind that that's not really different than what the average major label artist gets per disc, either - if anything, it's a better deal than average.
there's going to be a 9:46 single with instrumental mixes, a six-track rabit demo (clarity, 9:46, psi, time, myself, day) and the completed "tour ep" of acoustic versions that never happened. it's all going to be at the same price/profit rate and hopefully be done within a month or so.
(pause)
sorry, one more thing - i should point out that i have the "pay more if you want" thing clicked off. if somebody decides they want to give me $100 for a rabit disc, you'll get (100-0.2*100 -3)/2 = $38.50 out of it. the formula is obviously (0.8x - 3)/2, summed over all prices that come to me. from what i've seen so far, it seems to be that people interpret the price as a suggestion, so we'll see how that works out...
(pause)
two quick notes are immediately necessary:
1) somebody very quickly downloaded the clarity single, so there you go.
2) the bandcamp cut on downloads is 15%, not 10% as i said before. it's 10% on physical media. hey, this is new to me, too. so, i owe you a little less than a $1 - i haven't calculated the exact paypal amount yet. i'm going to wait until it's more than the cost of shipping a check...you'll have to trust me, but you know you can....i didn't have to tell you at all, really..
Sunday, October 19, 2014
you know, i get a lot of comments about my face..
the truth of the matter is that i'm objectively rather attractive for a transgendered person with no surgery, relative to my ethnic background. i know the stereotypes, and that people expect them, but the reality is that they only apply to a small subset of transgendered people coming out of different types of entertainment-based employment. they get disproportionate levels of attention due to their higher levels of visibility, but they don't represent the average transgendered person very well. the average transgendered person is really a girl-next-door type that would prefer to fit in. the literature has even historically attempted to fix the stereotype to cisgendered gay men, but i agree with some of the pushback on that being a little dismissive...
i'm of mediterranean background, so i have a substantial nose. but it really isn't going to be perceived as jumping out of my face unless you're grasping at straws in order to criticize my appearance. relative to a lot of jewish, arab or italian women, it's not particularly huge. it doesn't have that triangular arch, or that bloated trying-to-escape-your-face look. it's even fairly symmetric. really, by mediterranean standards, it's on the smaller end - and pretty unobtrusive, in the sense of not jutting out anywhere.
like many irish people, i have a long, dolichocephalic skull shape.
i'm of finnish background as well, so i have high cheekbones and somewhat distinctive eyes. but these are considered attractive in virtually all cultures.
what i'm getting at with this write-up is that i don't want to hear it. i've heard it enough, and it's tiring - because it's not grounded. if you're going to comment negatively on the way i look, i'm going to remove your comment and block your profile. so don't waste your time.
you gender that wrong, you're just being an ass.
the truth of the matter is that i'm objectively rather attractive for a transgendered person with no surgery, relative to my ethnic background. i know the stereotypes, and that people expect them, but the reality is that they only apply to a small subset of transgendered people coming out of different types of entertainment-based employment. they get disproportionate levels of attention due to their higher levels of visibility, but they don't represent the average transgendered person very well. the average transgendered person is really a girl-next-door type that would prefer to fit in. the literature has even historically attempted to fix the stereotype to cisgendered gay men, but i agree with some of the pushback on that being a little dismissive...
i'm of mediterranean background, so i have a substantial nose. but it really isn't going to be perceived as jumping out of my face unless you're grasping at straws in order to criticize my appearance. relative to a lot of jewish, arab or italian women, it's not particularly huge. it doesn't have that triangular arch, or that bloated trying-to-escape-your-face look. it's even fairly symmetric. really, by mediterranean standards, it's on the smaller end - and pretty unobtrusive, in the sense of not jutting out anywhere.
like many irish people, i have a long, dolichocephalic skull shape.
i'm of finnish background as well, so i have high cheekbones and somewhat distinctive eyes. but these are considered attractive in virtually all cultures.
what i'm getting at with this write-up is that i don't want to hear it. i've heard it enough, and it's tiring - because it's not grounded. if you're going to comment negatively on the way i look, i'm going to remove your comment and block your profile. so don't waste your time.
you gender that wrong, you're just being an ass.
noise/punk night reveals cause for concern
that was fun, then unsettling.
had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.
i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...
the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...
slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.
i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.
here is a full set from about a year later:
i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.
i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.
i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...
then...
well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.
it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.
i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...
i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.
i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.
so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.
exact recollection of events, while i can...
1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.
it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.
is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.
i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.
maybe it will be more clear in the morning.
i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.
this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.
maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.
and hence the situation is dealt with.
but, i have my safety to be concerned with.
and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.
i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.
so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...
it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.
but i know how this works.
and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.
you want to say "if it happens again...."
but you know you might not be around to tell that story.
i don't think anybody followed me home.
i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.
so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.
in truth, nothing can be done at all.
i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html
had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.
i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...
the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...
slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.
i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.
here is a full set from about a year later:
i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.
i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.
i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...
then...
well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.
it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.
i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...
i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.
i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.
so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.
exact recollection of events, while i can...
1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.
it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.
is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.
i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.
maybe it will be more clear in the morning.
i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.
this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.
maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.
and hence the situation is dealt with.
but, i have my safety to be concerned with.
and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.
i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.
so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...
it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.
but i know how this works.
and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.
you want to say "if it happens again...."
but you know you might not be around to tell that story.
i don't think anybody followed me home.
i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.
so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.
in truth, nothing can be done at all.
i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html
Saturday, October 18, 2014
clarity (redone original instrumental mix)
i'm
going to need to run the final version through some buses and eqs to
get it to really come out, but this is a reasonable approximation of how
i would have wanted the instrumental mix to sound in early '02.
i've added the two ftaa tracks to the clarity single because they're playing around with a similar guitar riff. it's an idea that got recycled, so there's a thematic unity tying it together. i guess it gives the "single" (it's 62 minutes) a little bit of extra variation and playability, as well.
strung out was done about the same time as i was playing with clarity. it was the initial source of the riff, which i then used in clarity, thinking strung out was just going to sit on my computer. i constructed "through the looking glass" out of files from 00-02 in 04 for the ftaa disc; that is, all the original files existed when clarity was being written, but i didn't actually put the collage from those files together for a few years. tacking it on here is thematic, if slightly anachronistic....
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. reconstruction date is oct 18, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-instrumental-mix
i've added the two ftaa tracks to the clarity single because they're playing around with a similar guitar riff. it's an idea that got recycled, so there's a thematic unity tying it together. i guess it gives the "single" (it's 62 minutes) a little bit of extra variation and playability, as well.
strung out was done about the same time as i was playing with clarity. it was the initial source of the riff, which i then used in clarity, thinking strung out was just going to sit on my computer. i constructed "through the looking glass" out of files from 00-02 in 04 for the ftaa disc; that is, all the original files existed when clarity was being written, but i didn't actually put the collage from those files together for a few years. tacking it on here is thematic, if slightly anachronistic....
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. reconstruction date is oct 18, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-instrumental-mix
through the looking glass
in 2004, i found myself tasked with compiling some ideas i had into a
collection of end products. one of the ideas i had had kicking around
since late 2001 was that of combining harsh noise with anarchist
politics, which i wanted to complete under the name "fuel true anarchy
in the americas" (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa).
i had just about enough for a full length concept record, but went
looking through my hard drive to see how else i could fill the cd up to
80 minutes.
the story of the curious george suite, now released in incomplete form, is at the inri019 page:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-curious-george-suite
at the time, though, i perceived of the suite as completely dead. so, i pulled the end section out and did some things to it in a wave editor, which included taking a guitar part out of the track strung out and looping it through the track. the same guitar part was also used in the bridge of clarity. strung out and through the looking glass can consequently be thought of as remixes of clarity, so their inclusion here is necessary to explore the thought in full.
initially created in the spring of 2000. expanded in the spring of 2004.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-looking-glass-2
the story of the curious george suite, now released in incomplete form, is at the inri019 page:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-curious-george-suite
at the time, though, i perceived of the suite as completely dead. so, i pulled the end section out and did some things to it in a wave editor, which included taking a guitar part out of the track strung out and looping it through the track. the same guitar part was also used in the bridge of clarity. strung out and through the looking glass can consequently be thought of as remixes of clarity, so their inclusion here is necessary to explore the thought in full.
initially created in the spring of 2000. expanded in the spring of 2004.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-looking-glass-2
strung out (clarity mix)
so, the pun here is that it's a lot of guitars going off out of tune,
representing how the government is stringing us out to dry by taking
away our rights in the (not so) chaotic aftermath of 9/11. there are
versions of the track with thematic samples, but i've removed them for
this release.
the sample version is available here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/give-em-hell-harry-strung-out
the reason i'm including the file as a lead-in to the clarity single is that there is a guitar riff with an ultimately celtic sort of sailor folk theme running through this track that i ended up reusing in the bridge of clarity (and a third time in "through the looking glass"). this track was completed first, but the ftaa project (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa) that it was connected to didn't have release dates or anything. i really considered it mostly disposable at the time. yet, it's a necessary inclusion if i wish to comprehensively explore clarity as an idea.
created in the fall of 2001. the file was edited into this form on october 18, 2014
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out-3
the sample version is available here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/give-em-hell-harry-strung-out
the reason i'm including the file as a lead-in to the clarity single is that there is a guitar riff with an ultimately celtic sort of sailor folk theme running through this track that i ended up reusing in the bridge of clarity (and a third time in "through the looking glass"). this track was completed first, but the ftaa project (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa) that it was connected to didn't have release dates or anything. i really considered it mostly disposable at the time. yet, it's a necessary inclusion if i wish to comprehensively explore clarity as an idea.
created in the fall of 2001. the file was edited into this form on october 18, 2014
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out-3
really not a complex tune, even if it sounds very built and orchestrated. if i deconstruct the construction, it's still enough to fit on a traditional 24 track recorder - which is downright minimal by my standards.
it's now properly synced, which was the hard part. this was initially constructed in a wave editor (the construction one part was recently reconstructed in a wave editor rather than mixed through cubase, in order to get that blurry, impressionist sound).
i'm going to give the mix until i wake up to sit, but i think clarity is now reclaimed. finally. i regretted not saving an instrumental version almost as soon as i pressed "save" back in early '02. i've been planning it ever since, but have run into various roadblocks....nice to feel it's done...
i'm not going to do a vocal remix of this. the '02 mix is the vocal mix stays the vocal mix.
the final mix (for j^2) is going to need some production work in bringing out the dynamics a little, and an uplift over that piano part.
it's now properly synced, which was the hard part. this was initially constructed in a wave editor (the construction one part was recently reconstructed in a wave editor rather than mixed through cubase, in order to get that blurry, impressionist sound).
i'm going to give the mix until i wake up to sit, but i think clarity is now reclaimed. finally. i regretted not saving an instrumental version almost as soon as i pressed "save" back in early '02. i've been planning it ever since, but have run into various roadblocks....nice to feel it's done...
i'm not going to do a vocal remix of this. the '02 mix is the vocal mix stays the vocal mix.
the final mix (for j^2) is going to need some production work in bringing out the dynamics a little, and an uplift over that piano part.
Friday, October 17, 2014
it seems like people are looking for my twitter account.
@deathtokoalas on twitter is NOT me. that person appears to be into anime, online rpgs and defending the fascist state of israel. i'm not interested in any of those things. i'd like to see a one state solution, but under the auspices of a democratic, secular "israel" that does not have religious or nationalist concepts written into it's constitution. i'd also like to see some land redistribution, but i recognize that this is a very delicate process. if you were to sit me down and really have me analyze it, i'd have to come to the conclusion that the only way to "set things right" is to temporarily abolish the state and have it run by an international body like the un for a period of 50 years or something, then have it transferred to a secular, pluralist governing body.
i simply don't use twitter. however, for the sake of clarifying the situation, i'll point you to this sarcastic profile as the only twitter profile that i've ever set up.
https://twitter.com/dgkfgjklgjkgjka
i know that deathtokoalas comes off as a unique marker, but it seems like it isn't. as far as i can tell, this other person stole my name, but i can't prove that.
that brings up another point, though. the handle i'm using there is @dgkfgjklgjkgjka. i'm all over the internet with variations of this. it was chosen to be impossible to search for, as it's picked uniquely each time, but easy to identify when it's found.
i'm very open about my politics. if you see some right-wing ranting under a similar moniker, and it's not sarcastic, it's not me. but if you see variations of the sort with a lower case d, a random string of mashed characters of no fixed length and a lower class a such as...
dfdgKDT789rft8efyYKa
dBJUR8fduKDE7IekdcGJKFHYJO5a
dDTdkGDITKDtktYa
etc
then it's probably me.
"impossible" is an exaggeration. but searching all possible combinations is time consuming. it requires some scripting, at least.
there's lots of smart ways to circumvent the fuckers, if you know a little about the technology they use....
obviously, i don't want it to be hard to find my youtube account.
but the fact that deathtokoala starts with a d and ends with an a is no coincidence:)
i am somewhat of a bond villain.
it doesn't matter any more, i don't use the technique.
(you'll note that before you can script the trawl, you need to figure out the trick, and i don't get the impression anybody even got that far)
i mean sum (35 C i), 3<i<20 is a very big number.
@deathtokoalas on twitter is NOT me. that person appears to be into anime, online rpgs and defending the fascist state of israel. i'm not interested in any of those things. i'd like to see a one state solution, but under the auspices of a democratic, secular "israel" that does not have religious or nationalist concepts written into it's constitution. i'd also like to see some land redistribution, but i recognize that this is a very delicate process. if you were to sit me down and really have me analyze it, i'd have to come to the conclusion that the only way to "set things right" is to temporarily abolish the state and have it run by an international body like the un for a period of 50 years or something, then have it transferred to a secular, pluralist governing body.
i simply don't use twitter. however, for the sake of clarifying the situation, i'll point you to this sarcastic profile as the only twitter profile that i've ever set up.
https://twitter.com/dgkfgjklgjkgjka
i know that deathtokoalas comes off as a unique marker, but it seems like it isn't. as far as i can tell, this other person stole my name, but i can't prove that.
that brings up another point, though. the handle i'm using there is @dgkfgjklgjkgjka. i'm all over the internet with variations of this. it was chosen to be impossible to search for, as it's picked uniquely each time, but easy to identify when it's found.
i'm very open about my politics. if you see some right-wing ranting under a similar moniker, and it's not sarcastic, it's not me. but if you see variations of the sort with a lower case d, a random string of mashed characters of no fixed length and a lower class a such as...
dfdgKDT789rft8efyYKa
dBJUR8fduKDE7IekdcGJKFHYJO5a
dDTdkGDITKDtktYa
etc
then it's probably me.
"impossible" is an exaggeration. but searching all possible combinations is time consuming. it requires some scripting, at least.
there's lots of smart ways to circumvent the fuckers, if you know a little about the technology they use....
obviously, i don't want it to be hard to find my youtube account.
but the fact that deathtokoala starts with a d and ends with an a is no coincidence:)
i am somewhat of a bond villain.
it doesn't matter any more, i don't use the technique.
(you'll note that before you can script the trawl, you need to figure out the trick, and i don't get the impression anybody even got that far)
i mean sum (35 C i), 3<i<20 is a very big number.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
uploading the soundtrack to an italian breakfast cereal to youtube
back in the twelfth grade (which was early 1999), i was approached by an acquaintance to provide music for a project he was doing in his advertising class. he had to make a short a video. the theme was anti drinking and driving. he requested a quirky sounding techno tune. this is what i provided, and it was well received. i have not seen the end result, but it apparently had to do with struggling to find car keys in a drunken stupor..
this did not take me long to make (i'm literally just brapping around in an 808 emulator), and i haven't thought particularly highly of it over the years. however, this kind of simple 808 work is apparently currently trendy, so maybe the hipsters will consider it ahead of it's time....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV1hQ0vrZc&feature=youtu.be
this did not take me long to make (i'm literally just brapping around in an 808 emulator), and i haven't thought particularly highly of it over the years. however, this kind of simple 808 work is apparently currently trendy, so maybe the hipsters will consider it ahead of it's time....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV1hQ0vrZc&feature=youtu.be
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
so, i've settled on getting one of those epsons tomorrow.
i could have gotten a cheaper canon for $40, but it didn't have a scanner and if i'm going to get a device like this it really ought to have one. i literally have no use for a fax, but the scanner is worth a few dollars. there's also the new factor.
now that i have a better understanding of costs, i've revised prices and added a few new aleph-numbers.
not the work i had in mind when i promised, granted, but it took some time to do.
====================
format / digital / physical:
single / $1.25 / $5
ep / $2.50 / $7
record / $5 / $10
double / $10 / $20
7.5 hour dvd-audio compilations: $50
13.5 hour flac compilation discs: $100
30 hour mp3 compilation discs: $200
note that flac is higher quality than mp3.
therefore, mp3 discs contain more music.
be sure to purchase what you WANT.
shipping:
$2 - can
$5 - us
$10 - intl
shipping rates are flat to the max, meaning i may gain slightly but i won't lose on shipping. it's otherwise about $3 to make a package. 20% of the sale price goes to transaction fees. this is as cheap as it can be while still being worthwhile to produce.
i could have gotten a cheaper canon for $40, but it didn't have a scanner and if i'm going to get a device like this it really ought to have one. i literally have no use for a fax, but the scanner is worth a few dollars. there's also the new factor.
now that i have a better understanding of costs, i've revised prices and added a few new aleph-numbers.
not the work i had in mind when i promised, granted, but it took some time to do.
====================
format / digital / physical:
single / $1.25 / $5
ep / $2.50 / $7
record / $5 / $10
double / $10 / $20
7.5 hour dvd-audio compilations: $50
13.5 hour flac compilation discs: $100
30 hour mp3 compilation discs: $200
note that flac is higher quality than mp3.
therefore, mp3 discs contain more music.
be sure to purchase what you WANT.
shipping:
$2 - can
$5 - us
$10 - intl
shipping rates are flat to the max, meaning i may gain slightly but i won't lose on shipping. it's otherwise about $3 to make a package. 20% of the sale price goes to transaction fees. this is as cheap as it can be while still being worthwhile to produce.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
i got the er to give me two months. that had better be sufficient; that is, i need to make sure it's sufficient, because it's not going to happen a second time.
1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.
2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...
3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.
in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.
i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.
1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.
2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...
3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.
in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.
i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.
ffs, nothing takes paypal or echeck...
excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.
maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.
i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....
what's going to happen if i go off hormones?
- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour
you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.
tomorrow.
i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.
i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.
no, i'm going to go now...
excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.
maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.
i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....
what's going to happen if i go off hormones?
- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour
you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.
tomorrow.
i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.
i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.
no, i'm going to go now...
ugh.
somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.
i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.
it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.
estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.
i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.
at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.
somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.
i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.
it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.
estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.
i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.
at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.
i'm dreading this - it's going to really kill my confidence and put me in a depressed state if i don't get this prescribed - but here i go...
it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.
i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.
it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.
i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.
Monday, October 13, 2014
clarity (original vocal mix)
this is the version that is on the rabit is wolf demo.
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track completed on march 2, 2002.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-original-vocal-mix
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track completed on march 2, 2002.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-original-vocal-mix
clarity (redone original demo) (final mix)
yes, a redone original demo.
i had an instrumental demo of clarity from november, 2001 that i had used to construct the first completed version. somehow, it got lost except in mp3 form. so i reconstructed the demo from the samples and completed it as i did the first time. the redone part is rather trivial - it is virtually identical to the november demo.
this version is structurally different than the version which appears with vocals on the rabit demo. i modified the form of the piece to better facilitate a vocal part. in the absence of that vocal part, it made sense to revert to the original form.
i just feel it's worth capturing in this state, as it was pivotal at this point between being a rabit tune and being for one of my own projects. the initial intent for the piece was for it to open a hypothetical third inri record, named trinri. i'm glad that never happened. so, this is the branching point.
created in the fall of 2001. final reconstruction date is oct 13, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-demo
i had an instrumental demo of clarity from november, 2001 that i had used to construct the first completed version. somehow, it got lost except in mp3 form. so i reconstructed the demo from the samples and completed it as i did the first time. the redone part is rather trivial - it is virtually identical to the november demo.
this version is structurally different than the version which appears with vocals on the rabit demo. i modified the form of the piece to better facilitate a vocal part. in the absence of that vocal part, it made sense to revert to the original form.
i just feel it's worth capturing in this state, as it was pivotal at this point between being a rabit tune and being for one of my own projects. the initial intent for the piece was for it to open a hypothetical third inri record, named trinri. i'm glad that never happened. so, this is the branching point.
created in the fall of 2001. final reconstruction date is oct 13, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-demo
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