Monday, July 7, 2014

deathtokoalas
you know, it's not like i have anything particularly bad to say about grimes. her music might mostly leave me bored, but she seems to have good taste, and the masses really need some decent filters, so, hey, why not?

i had a few chances to see her in small bars in ottawa around the time this record was released and decided against it every time, because it was a bit too poppy for me and i had limited funds that i wanted to spend on other concerts. i mean, i like the general style, and i like getting smashed and dancing at shows. i saw austra a few times. but, it was just too poppy. i remember reviewing this disc when it first came out and thinking it had some potential for real success, but it's not like there was any indication she was going to blow up the way she did. it did seem really different than her earlier stuff, which just struck me as an amateur take on the cocteau twins or dead can dance sound. but, that was pretty easy to find at the time, too. no indication, really...

i guess i'll say it was a bit confusing to me the way that she was trying to market herself as something outside of the mainstream, given that she sounded so much like madonna. it didn't really make sense to me. why wasn't she trying to market herself to a pop audience? i certainly wasn't going to get into borderline, done over for the zillionth time thirty years later. so, why was i getting this disc marketed to me? it just seemed pointless. but, i guess she found an audience in the end, didn't she? lol....


Snootches Bootches
I seriously doubt she was thinking about Marketing herself like that , shes just a down to earth girl that loves to make music .. Shes just being herself and expressing herself through these videos and her music. I suppose if you really care about music you just realease music and hope ppl like it..  If your good you wont need marketing ppl will like you.. anyways she has her own audience for this anyway

CGPig
why would she "market" herself as a pop star if that's not what she wants? I think people just get too restrained trying to categorize and sort everything with genres and stuff. it's just what it is.

Snootches Bootches
thats what im saying. shes just a chick making music

deathtokoalas
well, it's obvious that that is what she wants, which is why it was confusing. only fans of pop music could possibly find anything of interest in this...

maybe the situation isn't clear. she was trying to generate an audience in the local industrial/cyberpunk community. this does not fit in well with that culture, which is all about agitprop and the destruction of musical conventions.

i mean, one of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong...

skinny puppy
collide
grimes
jarboe

see what i'm saying?

it created this sort of awkward moment, when whomever was pushing this somehow expected this group of anti-everything rivetheads (and, personally, i like the music on the fringes of this but wouldn't be caught dead looking like that) to get into the fluffiest mainstream pop music that anyone's heard in like fifteen years.

i mean, it's not that i have any particular interest in how she markets herself or who buys her records, but it was just weird that it was thought this was gonna fly with that audience, because it was so blatantly obvious that it wasn't going to. so, i, for one, was left scratching my head about it.

the young, teen pop audience is the rational one. but, you don't expect every 20 year-old kid with pop music fantasies to break out like this, y'know?

apple butter
You're confused because nothing is more pop than trying to be edgy. It's over. Outside of the mainstream IS the mainstream now. I commend you for striving for individuality, but it's a lost cause.

deathtokoalas
that's nonsense. this is just the current version of "hot topic mall goth", which was mainstream 90s culture and rather despised by people into real art. it's just another "walk to the mall and buy your identity" type of thing. there were corporatized 80s and 70s equivalents, running through cyndi lauper and t. rex and blah blah blah. and all that shit just ultimately came from andy warhol's pathetic and cynical concept of what art is.

don't trick yourself into thinking anything has changed. every generation does that, and then realizes they were wrong. nothing has changed, because the conditions for things to change have not arisen. the mass production and extreme commodification of art remains the status quo. andy warhol is not dead. to push through that change, he must be brutally murdered; his corpse must be paraded for all to see, desecrated, humiliated...

it's one thing to talk about commodification, and recognize it's endemic, it's another to give up. the entire period of commodifed art has had an underground, and it's no different today.

it's just not this. or close to this.

the confusion was grimes trying to exist in the wrong world, not that world not existing. i mean, you see this fairly frequently, actually, if you hang out with gen y kids. a lot of them just don't get that there's a cultural difference between skinny puppy and c&c music factory, because nobody's ever explained it to them and they grew up in a reality where the lines are blurred. it's in the same torrent. "80s/90s dance music" or whatever. but that doesn't mean there aren't kids that do get it, and are working on the actual fringes.

Jeremy Seip
I can't imagine how hard it must be to be an artist in this day and age. Getting shit on constantly thru social media. No wonder why there is no creativity and honesty. You'd have to be a masochist to put yourself out there and have the kids take a swing at u one after another. Even if u knew that most of the critics were coming from a place of envy or insecurity. These things weaken our psyche. As much as I might agree with some of the negative comments I don't think it adds anything constructive to the mix. We need an environment where free thought can blossom. I don't know how to fix this but it's truly the worst environment for creativity. Back when I was teen (with a gazillion opinions that I forced upon people) an artist only had to endure a few album reviews and random write ups. Thankfully billy corgan didn't have to hear my every critique. I have immense empathy for people that put themselves out there in an effort to better themselves even it's done on false pretences. Old man rant over.

deathtokoalas
i don't think we're getting to a better art scene by being filthy hippies about it. conversely, it's not like i have a lot of faith in the market to pull the best stuff out, either. but, trying your best isn't necessarily good enough. criticism is far more important than encouragement; it's part of the artist's responsibility to learn to understand what is valid criticism and what is stupidity.

so, don't coddle. it doesn't help.

to go back to my original point, grimes' fame will hopefully help others by association if she keeps name dropping. that's the actual point i was trying to get across.

corgan, particularly. he released a few pretty good records a long time ago. but he really deserves 90% of the shit that he gets...

Jeremy Seip
It's like an onslaught of voices both negative and positive silently eroding ur own sense of self which erodes the art. Obviously there are people so strong that can't be influenced but I want the shy guys and girls art too. I want it all. Take care.

U have a band or project by chance? Wouldn't mind hearing it.

deathtokoalas
click my name...youtube has highlights of the full bandcamp archive.

spankthewan
Your "music" inspired me to remove my ears.

deathtokoalas
it's probably for the best. you don't seem to have been doing anything useful with them...

i'd like to further inspire you to donate them to somebody that could make better use of them.

and instant blocks to anybody that says anything about van gogh.

polishfish
MAYBE it is possible that

you are thinking too much...

eh?

deathtokoalas
i don't know where this "too much" part comes in, or how it gets measured.

it's a persistent accusation, but i've never really been able to make sense of it. and, i'm not likely to lobotomize myself, either, so it sort of seems like there's not a resolution, if it is somehow actually accurate.

maybe it'll rain gumdrops outside tomorrow, too. who knows...

(deleted post)

deathtokoalas
i really wasn't attempting to place a value on this, though, i was just pointing out that those few months when this very pop record was being marketed as darkwave were very strange to watch from a close distance.

(deleted post)

you know, i specifically said i didn't have anything bad to say, and i still get called a hater....

polishfish
not a hater, but your comment made you sound like a wine snob who dismisses a red because you "didn't detect enough oak in the bouquet"

I just meant that what you said sounded like a hasty high-brow dismissal, and I pictured someone saying it with a glass of wine, lol. You should watch her awesome 30ish minute set for a radio station- not sure which station it was...also its cool that you like dead can dance...

deathtokoalas
i think all art requires a certain level of elitism to keep it real, but it's an abstract elitism rather than the bourgeois elitism you're misinterpreting my comments as - and actually works against the bourgeois elitism. it declares stockhausen more interesting than stravinsky, beethoven more valuable than rossini, etc.

the idea of applying elitism to keep it real may seem like a contradiction, but we live in this contradictory market reality where all art is reduced to a commodity, which in turn reduces it's value to the demand it can generate. that is the actual contradiction of art in a market society, as meaningful art must move against market rules in order to be meaningful. in that context, this abstract elitism to keep art pure is actually entirely rational. you could maybe consider it a sort of punk elitism.

but i've met people that are far more elitist in this sense than i am. i can dig a madonna record if i'm in the right mood for it. it just didn't make any sense to market this to me or other people with similar tastes as me, is all i'm saying.

Paul Doe
All art is completely subjective. Rating it is subjective. Retire your thesaurus - I'm having a hard time taking your thoughts seriously because they are riddled with forced vocabulary. Get to the point 80% faster. But seriously though, fuck koalas. 

deathtokoalas
art is not entirely subjective. that is precisely the market ideology that requires a level of elitism to defend against. to use an absurd example, a professional recording of beethoven's fifth would be objectively superior to a junior high school marching band practicing out of key. but, the latter could conceivably out sell the former if it had justin bieber playing oboe, therefore making it the more valuable commodity. this is the confused reality that markets produce.

it's not entirely objective, though, either. this is where critics are valuable - they are able to point out what parts of something have a higher objective value than other parts of something else. you're of course free to choose the inferior music, should you decide to. but choosing the inferior option over the superior one is not the same thing as delusionally deciding that the two things are of equivalent value.

as an aside, you are not the first person that has accused me of using a thesaurus. i suppose it's sort of comical, as my posts to youtube are mostly stream-of-consciousness and produced with essentially no effort on my behalf. i'm not even conscious of the way in which my vocabulary is (supposedly) too abstract, so i wouldn't even know where to begin in dumbing myself down, supposing i would want to - which of course is something i wouldn't even consider. maybe the problem isn't my wide vocabulary, but your narrow one?

EternalDiarrhea
Honestly, she lost me when she claimed that God was writing his music through her. Or something. Seriously.

ブロンディブラック(東京外人)
I've tried getting into her on Spotify time and time again but it's just not caught on (yet). Same with Die Antwoord.

jessica
you know, that maybe says something. i don't see any point in paying for a service that only houses 30% of what i listen to (the other 70% is self-released), but it's a little intriguing that she can get 100 million youtube hits and can't get a following on a subscription music site, where people actually shell out the cash.

anarhy09 
New and interesting music? Lol. Sounds an awful lot like 90's music. Reminds me a bit of erasure-always and some other songs that can't recall by name right now. I bet that in 10 years from now on, nobody will ever remember this song or this band.

deathtokoalas
nothing i've heard from grimes has been remotely as pompous as erasure.

if you want to be really base about it, the reality is that this particular tune could pass perfectly well as a radiohead song - and once you realize this, there's not really much to say about it as innovative. it's pop music.  and pop music really hasn't changed much since new wave hit in the early 80s.

kittyand fox
I enjoyed reading your diatribe and think your points were valid indeed and have no problem. I do however, like some commodified art as much as the niche, anti commercial and this song falls into a like.  Arguably, all art becomes a commodity when under the only reality of capitalist success. However, where art is concerned there is always opportunities to infiltrate through this very process and I would finish off comparing this with Andy Warhol, my only gripe with your comments, which is that through and in spite of his exceptional popularity he was able to introduce some fairly radical artists and ideas well outside of the typical pop art for which he is normally associated. I would argue against him being cynical, although I can only go by secondary sources. I would also add, although not in defence of his pop art, but as a point to throw into the mix, that at the time this form of art was ironically a challenge to the status quo in its own elitist and underground way. This is not an effort to be relativist about it, not at all, just that I don't believe it's as simple to contrast the desire for popularity in this way. In conclusion I would say that debating against branded music is almost a lost cause, especially on platforms like this, which perhaps gives evidence to that fact, but nonetheless it is a worthy one.

deathtokoalas
" Arguably, all art becomes a commodity when under the only reality of capitalist success."

if you define the terms carefully, you'll see that art can never be a commodity, and a commodity can never be art. i've run through this over and over again, so excuse me for being brief.

a commodity is specifically a good produced to meet demand. that is, it's purpose in being produced is to meet the demands of the population. this is the part that you can't debate, because it's a technical term.

art is a little harder to define, but a really big part of it is working against demand. difficulties defining art aside, there is no difficulty assigning aesthetic or personal motives. that is, art is never produced to meet demand on a market. it is always produced for some other reason: personal expression, to spread social ideas, etc.

so, when you see a product in front of you, you need to ask yourself: was this designed to meet the demands of the market? if it was, it isn't art. it may be a picasso print, or a bach ringtone but don't let that confuse you. if it wasn't, then it is.

ok, so what about the grey area, which is what you were really getting at. well, a grey area may seem to exist - music that was created as art in the past, but now meets a demand because it's value has been recognized. so, art becomes a commodity. but, this is missing the point about why the art was created. the corporate logo on the beethoven cd doesn't alter the music. nor does the 4ad label on the grimes cd. creating a new market for new art is not the same thing as creating a product to meet a demand. it follows, that success does not convert the art into a commodity, although it may convert the medium into one. that is, your beethoven cd is a commodity, but the music it plays isn't.

kittyand fox
But there is art which can meet the demands of the masses, from socialist realism propoganda to book art and social land art. In fact if commodity is only in meeting a demand then art too is often a commodity because it has been used to meet the demands for e.g city renewal, selling a product, designing a product, selling an ideology etc. Debating a technical term is still do-able as this then becomes a concept creating of philosophy. So not to nit pick against u or create an argument, only a discussion, but surely a commodity is not about demand at all. In fact it could almost be the very opposite most of the time. The things we do not need, certain material possessions are not demanded but become demanded. Utilitarian items i.e a toilet or table can be art and/or commodity, depending on the different values ascribed to them, like who made it and where is it place. So context is one field of play. I think your definition of art is more idealistic, which is fine and valid but to me art such as I dunno Wolchenklauser, or Bauhaus would play with this definition of demand. Rather than playing against demand art plays with demand and the language of commodity. At best and in a modernist sense it opens up and questions values. Whereas commodity might latch onto values without really understanding them. It does in similar ways as commodity in creating new audience and demand. If an art work exists in a gallery then there is a demand for that art work, or for a particular art for  particular audience for a particular desire. Anyway I feel i am diverging, so back to an example you used; A Picasso print is just as much as a commodity as a Picasso original, in fact when Picasso reached the height of his fame he was producing more selling more and even used his very signature to pay for things! Was he still making art, was the works he made still valued as art? Yes. What seems to be the issue you are making is that when one of his works is made more available to the mass, like being made into a print and in doing so its quality from a unique large scale painting into a small kitchen display print is lost. This is true, i agree and that’s what i mean by this capitalist success in a way, this fake democratisation, which art exposes and strives to challenge. If it were in a key ring form then this would be a more extreme version of commodity. But what about when no one buys these key rings anymore? Is it a commodity no one wants (paradox to the definition) or can it become art? As we know artists have used objects no longer in demand to create new art and so the cycle begins again. These are overlaps and loop holes. Your final point, is a good one, but isn't quite related to the point I was trying to make. However, the beethoven example leaves me confused as it takes a different point to where i think i am going and may actually hit the main point too. So here goes; a Beethoven cd produced by a corporate company merely reflects its safe sales popularity. But I disagree that the company does not make the music a commodity only in the sense that certain companies will do all they can to sell. In doing so they may pick music which they think will sell, which is probably something you agree with. So they see the potential for demand and commodity opportunities. If the music is good artistically or put another way, made not with the intention of making money, then is it not a commodity, no of course not, i agree, we’re on the same page still... But was Beethoven not privileged and began his life imitating from established others before actively seeking and capitalising on the bourgeois? This is why we have more accounts of classical music than folk of that time. And now his music is often more remembered with film scenes and adverts. I agree, that this should not make the music less an art, but unfortunately art is also created through cultural references and so, it must pass through different stages of commodity and art. How it overcomes these hurdles is perhaps another even more difficult art form. I agree with the notion that when music is made purely to satisfy and leach off an existing or monetary market for monetary reasons then this is commodity. But sometimes, just sometimes you get cross over or just simply music that seems a commodity because it’s just really stupid even though the artist was full of intent.

deathtokoalas
"But there is art which can meet the demands of the masses, from socialist realism propoganda to book art and social land art."

that doesn't fit the definition of a commodity.

"In fact if commodity is only in meeting a demand then art too is often a commodity because it has been used to meet the demands for e.g city renewal, selling a product, designing a product, selling an ideology etc.""

that's not art.

and the idea that it is is precisely why andy warhol needs to be destroyed.

"surely a commodity is not about demand at all."

i've provided a technical definition of a commodity. it's in any economics 101 textbook. it's not open for debate.

"If an art work exists in a gallery then there is a demand for that art work, or for a particular art for  particular audience for a particular desire."

the difference comes in whether the piece was produced to meet a demand or has created a demand in itself. it is a very important distinction. large amounts of what you see in galleries are not art, but commodities. they exist purely to generate profit by meeting a demand.

i stopped reading at that point. you didn't understand anything i typed.

roxane
Your reasoning is quite interresting but there is a massive hole in it. You're thinking in terms of American definitions of "mainstream" and those are not valid in other areas of the world to some extent.

deathtokoalas
right. because grimes was hoping to make it huge in saudi arabia....

these sorts of observations may make some people feel good about themselves, but they're almost always entirely irrelevant.

roxane
I'm not talking about saudi arabia necessarily but yeah, with internet any artist can be heard on the other side of the planet. I'm actually talking about Europe because I  notice quite often that people take it for granted that Western culture is generally the same but it isn't. What you guys call "hipster" for instance might just be the standard French style so it doesn't make much sense here. The way Grimes might be percieved here is different from the way you guys percieve it. I also think about Asia where Grimes is also popular to some extend. I think that there indeed she might fit the popular culture quite well. I think you need to broaden your vision of art and culture and take the rest of the world in account too, America is not the main standard.

deathtokoalas
in the past, popular culture tended to flow in a one-way direction out of the anglosphere, which to an extent includes germany and japan (but has not really included france in the post-war period). when influences from india or asia or latin america worked their way into the anglosphere, it was usually through an english intermediary. an example would be george harrison's use of the sitar. i think that's slowly changing and that media from outside the anglosphere will become more and more important within it over the course of the next few decades.

but i really don't think how grimes might be perceived in asia ever really crossed her mind as important to her as she was writing, nor does it have any meaning in the context of how she is perceived in the anglosphere.

if you want to have a conversation about globalization or multicultural inclusion within a classroom or something, that's your prerogative. but i really don't see the relevance of any of that within this conversation.

i mean, the basics of what i'm saying about commodities apply regardless of whether you're talking about domestic or foreign markets. i'm not trying to write off grimes as a hipster in the first place, i'm just pointing out that it didn't make sense for her to market her peppy, super mainstream pop music to dour, nihilist rivetheads. if there's an implication there, it's that she isn't much of a hipster, but was misunderstanding her potential to appeal to hipster audiences.

i'm not one myself, but i like abstract music, so i've associated with quite a few hipsters and i can't imagine any of them enjoying this at all. what defines a hipster, to me, is the tendency to fall for musical hacks that somehow get promoted as groundbreaking or brilliant: it's an inability to see through the hype. sometimes, it's just a level of ignorance regarding the history. you'll see hipsters loving something that's a rip of something twenty years before it. other times, it's a lack of musical training: you'll see hipsters misinterpreting half-assed improvisation or random note bashing as brilliant composing. what i tend to do is walk into that space and try and explain to the hipsters why something isn't actually as good as they think it is. so, i get a natural overlap with the hipsters, in that we both like the actually interesting and groundbreaking music. but i'm really the anti-hipster in the sense that i'll smash through that hype and very loudly reject it.

this doesn't really have the level of nuance necessary to create the confusion. it's just pop music.

roxane
My point is that "pop" music depends on what is popular within a country's culture. You should come one time in Europe and see the differences among the different cultures and sub-cultures. I'm currently living in the Netherlands and there mainstream is EDM and a lot of American pop music whereas in France we have our own pop music because the state is funding French musicians and there is a mandatory rate of French music that has to be broadcast (I think it's 20% or something). I don't think Grimes made any speculations or market strategies to get popular according to some standards, maybe she wanted to attract hipsters because, after all, that seems to be her culture, but here in Europe it doesn't make any sense to talk about it. Maybe it's pop music, maybe it's not, maybe nobody cares it depends on your standards anyway. I personally don't think much about "pop music" especially coming from America, what I listen is mostly British or French and I'm just glad when they make it big.

deathtokoalas
canada has similar cultural requirements, and it's produced a successful local industry. but, here, it functions more as a launching pad. a lot of successful canadian artists going back to bryan adams owe their success to those requirements. that may have actually helped grimes; i don't know, i don't listen to the radio anymore. but back in the 90s there were a number of canadian rock bands like i mother earth, the tea party and our lady peace that really built their career on those requirements, as they applied to radio and muchmusic (the canadian version of mtv). it's also the reason rush continues to get such heavy airplay.

there's a concept of global pop music that is more or less identical to "english pop music". i'm not going to go back and rewrite any posts or ask any other commenters to do so because it is clear from the context, but you can make that mental adjustment if you'd like.

s65s85dfyfjh
"this doesn't really have the level of nuance necessary... it's just pop music." Yes. This. It feels like a whimsical, pseudo-inspired riff on pop culture, without saying much more. Which isn't even necessarily a bad thing; it's just pleasant background music and flashy visuals without too much deep thought.

Byu Bianca
like honestly, honestly my opinion is that you kind of DO actually think too much. No one (well, except you) cares THAT much about who listens to her or about which kind of "culture" she fits in. Her music sounds good, at least to me (and no, I do not listen to pop. I prefer rock, metal, punk, indie and almost anything that are a part of them). By saying to the person that didn't like your music that their ears weren't any good in the first place was extremely stupid of you. Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE USE THEIR EARS TO LISTEN, TO HEAR. That person listened your music and said it wasn't good. Be over with it. Let it be. It's probably not the first time it happens and it sure won't be the last. MUSIC IS SUBJECTIVE. ART IS SUBJECTIVE. Just let it be. Also no, koalas shouldn't die just because you want to. You are entitled to your opinion and I get that but I see no reason why koalas should die.

deathtokoalas
well, i think you're over-estimating how much i have invested into thoughts i post to youtube. on grimes videos. and in general.

also, i'd like to inspire you to remove the right ventromedial area of your prefrontal cortex.

(deleted post)

deathtokoalas
none of the above, i was just trying to be specific. i mean, i could have suggested planting a pen in her noggin', but it wouldn't have really gotten the point across - which is that i was being sardonic. nor was it even meant as an insult.

(deleted post)

deathtokoalas
such an operation would not lead to death, it would merely render one unable to understand sarcasm.

Sérgio Ferreira 
hey, +deathtokoalas, I understand your point but I think you're misleading what Grimes is herself and what those big fat and mean corporations try to make out of her. I can only give you my point of view on her as a fan and I have quite tried to understand why I liked her. When she blew out back in 2012, I remember I hated those hip-hop 90s goth clothes and also thought she was this "new thing" coming out and trying to be created by nowadays mass-crafters like Pitchfork and those NY niche critiques. I mean, she was not the average indie rock or electronic singer we could find revisiting 80's and 90's dream pop around that time. She had something in common, but with a different mix to be understood. Around that time I was learning more about those old 4AD bands and also about industrial pioneers (I mean the true ones, like Cabaret Voltaire, Einstürzende Neubauten, Throbbing Gristle). So Grimes, picked me up with this song right on time. She sounded like Elizabeth Frazer at some points, had tracks sounding pretty much like distorted beaten up Japanese Nine Inch Nails, with this eerie feeling. I still had itches with her sayings about Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé and how did she mixed up all of those influences. She has referenced those I quoted, and among others, Nine Inch Nails, Dolly Parton, j-pop, and so on.

I made out all of this just to explain my point clearly that I don't really think she can't simply be put in the same bag as other pop singers (like Azaelia Banks, Charli XCX, and so on, and so on), even if you didn't bring those to the discussion. She may indeed have a simple and catchy sound, but that doesn't mean the more carefully listeners can't consider her as artistical, nor I think she brings Andy Warhol pop art theories in consideration for her music and videos. She just came from this underground music circuit that apparently went in Vancouver and released a few albums while crafting and perfecting this anime, internet-inspired, maybe a little innocent and young style. I don't think it came to her mind she was trying to fill the needs of some y-gen pop, darkwave, hipster or other fan boy, I think she just happened to fit in.

MR B
Y U HATE KOALAS U EVIL BEEEOTCH!!!!!

deathtokoalas
koalas need to be destroyed due to their horrific levels of cuteness. it's not something vindictive, it's just an unavoidable conclusion.

MR B
its a very avoidable situation! why dont you target possums are something!

deathtokoalas
possums aren't cute, they're kind of gross. but, the level of cuteness demonstrated by koalas can just simply not be allowed, under any circumstances.

MR B
so you just say fuck it, kill all the pretty, cute, innocent animals? I bet you hate kangaroo's too dont u

deathtokoalas
no. koalas are singularly condemned.

their cuteness is just perverse.

enjoying the new mammatus record

it took me a bit longer to get into this than the last two (which are sort of a double record in my mind), but it finally kind of clicked this afternoon when walking down the street on my way home from doing groceries. tragically unknown....

current mp3 player list.

fwiw, the device has a 2 gb maximum. i prefer the smaller space, as i listen exclusively to records.

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/mp3/index.html
so, my nightly roach sightings have recently been replaced by nightly centipede sightings. i haven't seen a roach in almost a month. together, this suggests that i'm winning, but i know this species is seasonal and i can't really make any conclusions until i haven't seen one an entire year. i don't know if there are any eggs anywhere, or what's going to happen when they hatch if there are. you can't really spray the eggs, you have to actually go find them, and i simply can't get in under the pipes or kitchen counter to do that. so, it's a waiting, reacting game...

see, the centipedes (i've identified at least two separate ones) are out looking for food, and it seems like they're having a hard time finding any. i haven't seen any spiders around, either - i suspect the centipedes ate them all. the centipedes have been spotted in unusual places, where they're not likely to find much to eat. what this tells me is that there isn't any food left in the more likely places, so they're getting desperate and scouring areas they wouldn't otherwise bother with. i guess they'll have to leave or die, and at that point the process of getting the insects out of here will be finished. as centipedes eat all the other bugs, it's a good idea to keep them around until it's clear the other bugs are gone, then get rid of them - or keep a few around to prevent the others from coming back.

the thing i'm concerned about is that they might leave or starve before the eggs hatch, i.e. that the eggs might outlast the centipedes. so, i'm toying with the idea of bringing them some dead spiders.

but, i'm worried that if i start feeding them they'll become reliant on it. "don't feed the animals". well, yeah, don't. it would also sort of suck if they started getting a little too friendly and decided they want to snuggle or something. they *do* bite, when they're big, and i don't really want them hanging out around my pillow. i need them to hunt for me, and i'd rather if they kept a mild fear of me.

my sun room has some spiders in it, but the webs are full of termite-like things, so i don't really want to let them loose in there, either. i'll be cleaning the room up when i get a chair in there, probably in august. for now, i have a towel under the door to keep the area separate...

so, i dunno what the better thing to do is. i don't want them to die until i'm sure the roaches are out for good, but i don't want them to get too friendly or stop hunting, either.

although i should point out that the centipedes may actually eat the eggs. all i've found are anecdotes, though, nothing solid.

i think i'm going to hope this is true. i can't get in under those spots, but they can.

hopefully, they're out looking around for something else because they ate all the eggs already. meaning, the best thing to do is let them die off on their own....

yeah. decided.
so, i'm thinking i should apply for some kind of artist's grant. i just want to go down to odsp first and determine if i'm allowed to do that or not. it could conceivably provide me with another year or two, if the odsp gets cancelled. and, if i'm able to make enough progress, i could conceivably see myself putting the music aside within a year or two and focusing solely on writing and organizing. i've been preparing myself for this for some time now. the goal is to finish all the things i've left unfinished, and then make a decision about whether i want to carry on or not after that. i mean....yes, it's what i'd rather be doing. at the same time, i need to face reality that i'm not going to be able to find ways to allow myself to do this forever.

i've mentioned before that this is part of the reason i moved down here, to the center of canada's collapsing industrial base. it's a matter of time before the area has some serious homeless issues, brought on by mass joblessness. if i'm going to be organizing, i want to be organizing within this "lumpenproletariat", rather than within organized labour, who i've come to see as an obstacle in revolutionizing distribution to a more communistic approach. i really do not believe that organized labour has any revolutionary potential beyond increasing their own salaries, and i'm rather convinced that the corporate state has effectively derived ways to co-opt workers and keep them in line. i'm following the early anarchist thinkers in declaring organized labour a dead-end.

the only reason i need an odsp check instead of a welfare check is to house that studio. if i were to give up on this, i could see myself being relatively content bouncing around libraries with a laptop, sleeping in squats and spending all my time reading while i'm waiting for the shit to hit the fan. but, i know better than to plan beyond the immediate future, because that shit just never works out.

so, for now, i just need to focus on ways to pay the rent for another year or two. if odsp doesn't think i'm qualified, maybe the council for the arts might. and i'll go from there....
this is the last time i'll point out how pointless "subscribers" are on youtube.

112 subscribers. as far as i can tell, a total of zero of them bothered to watch the video i uploaded a few days ago. which isn't just a low conversion rate. it's entirely useless.

the conclusion one should draw is that going to a youtube profile and trying to deduce anything at all from the subscriber count is a waste of time. whatever the reasons for subscribing are, actually viewing the videos in the feed doesn't seem to be one of them....

i mean, one would think that subscribing to a feed means you're interested in watching the videos posted to the feed.

apparently not.

i do have a hypothesis that people are enjoying my banter, and thinking that they'll receive that banter in their google feed if they subscribe on youtube. which is just not how things work.

the bulk of those subscribers probably meant to follow me on google+, but couldn't figure out how to do it and subscribed to me on youtube instead.

which i guess is sort of funny. but i wish they'd have done what they meant to, so i'd have a better way to understand who is interested in the commentary and who is interested in the music.

like, i grasp that i can't expect all 112 people to watch the video. but i think it's reasonable to expect at least a 25% conversion rate, rather than the 0% i'm actually getting.

then again, i posted on the morning of july 5, when most people were probably hungover. it may have just been a bad day.

we'll see what happens when i post the completed, longer version.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

i'm practicing a four bar piece. it's simple enough, should be in quick. but these are the timings on the four bars, in succession:

15/16
16/16
20/16
13/16

it might seem hard to count, but, see, the things is that you'll note it adds to 64/16, which equals four "regular" bars of 16/16. i was thinking consciously in those terms at the time, trying to find ways to make the signatures unusual without breaking the four. and it's why it works as a techno tune, despite being all over the place in terms of timings.

i could conceivably re-bar it to 16/16, but it would make the emphasis on the bass notes make no sense. bars aren't really about time signatures (i don't actually ever notate time signatures), they're about splitting up phrases...

so, if you tried to dance to this, you'd be confused, but you wouldn't get lost - you wouldn't know why you're confused.

well, unless you're a musician, then you'd get it.
i posted this to the wrong profile. whatever. not like anybody in my facebook list really cares...

but the truth is, while i'd like to say i've entirely given up on trying to sell anything directly, the actual truth is that i never really made a serious effort to market any of it. i've played something like four open mic nights over almost twenty years. i've never even asked anybody for a show, because i know better than to think i have enough friends to fill up a bar, so why bother playing in an empty room? meanwhile, those bars get filled by social groups producing music that i consider to be nowhere near as interesting, which keeps me out of the social scenes i'd need to interact with.

and i realize i'm too old for that, now.

maybe i should take a marketing class, but what i've instead always been interested in focusing on is ways to take myself out of the game and just create, under some kind of fatalist conception that it will find an audience after i'm gone. i used to think i could find a day job and just create in my spare time, but i learned that's not really feasible - and i've since lost the ability to gain a day job, anyways, making it unrealistic to think in those terms.

a self-fulfilling prophecy, i suppose, brought on by an unshakable (if naive) belief that it will all work out. all i can do now is continue creating, and hope somebody finds some parts of it that they connect to in some way.
i just woke up, and i have to keep going back to the same point.

i've tried to avoid friendships with market advocates over the last few years by reducing them solely to intellectual opponents, but i've heard a lot of those arguments and they're hard to shake if you're insecure, as all artists have to be. they're also a part of day-to-day life, whether we choose to reject markets or not....

in the end, after all the arguments, the only important conclusion is this: how am i supposed to know what kind of reaction my larger, serious pieces are going to get in society at large when they've been heard by around 100 people, on average? and, that 100 number is relative to recent attempts to promote better through social media. for a long time, it was more like twenty people, most of them friends and relatives.

it just doesn't provide for a large enough sample. and, i know that's my fault (i guess) for not having the slightest idea of how to sell a product. but there's just simply no logical connection between being a good salesperson and being an interesting musician, despite requiring both skills to be a *successful* one.

i've been through this so many times. there's no use going through it again. i just wish my brain would fucking drop it already.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

cool.

i'm going to ask an obscure favour, and actually throw it right out there for general request. i'm used to writing drum patterns in general midi over track ten using a staff and actual music notation. the reason i like to do it that way is that it provides absolute freedom in terms of time signatures, note lengths, etc. i mean, i may want to drum from 5 to 7 to 13 to 17 and back around to 8 in the space of a few bars, and have 64th note crashes (which may not be possible in reality, but reality isn't important when you're programming drums). vst drum machines generally just cannot provide that kind of flexibility, because they carry the interface forward. i get why they do it - it's what everybody wants - but it would be immensely useful if they'd take on track 10 compatibility so they can read a "regular" midi file, instead of forcing users to reduce themselves to their limitations and quarter note, bar-based interfaces.

that leaves me stuck more or less with using a soundcard emulator (like bandstand) for drums, which gets the job done but kind of takes me out of the drum machine universe, as well.

could you program this thing to read a standard midi file?

why are all the linn demos on youtube trying to make it sound like an 808? these were high end machines, put to good use mostly in art rock by the likes of peter gabriel and laurie anderson, not low end club devices that djs could afford.


uploading the time machine (vst mix) to youtube

i've created a video for the vst mix.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtpW0Ve6t8A



original video taken from here without requesting permission:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNc-OzFhDnw

uploading the time machine (vst mix) to thru (final mix)

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 28, 2014 and updated on july 5, 2014 to fix a minor error in transcription.

the time machine (vst mix) (final mix)

this is the vst mix, which hooks up the constructed score to a series of vst instruments through the magic of midi sequencing and outputs the notes through various effects processors to create something approaching the sound of a live band.

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 28, 2014 and updated on july 5, 2014 to fix a minor error in transcription.

well, silly me. it seemed to be a latency issue, but this is weird and maybe something to take note of if you do these things.

with a bit more experimenting, it didn't seem to be any specific plugin. if i unfroze 2 or 3 of about ten running simultaneously, it would run fine. so, i'm back to cpu or ram. except that doesn't make sense because one freezes to open up cpu and ram.

i noticed that some of the frozen tracks were frozen at different latencies. the drums were frozen at 256, but i had to increase the latency in the process of finishing the thing, so i froze the bass at 736.
what i did to fix it was to go back and make sure everything was frozen at 256. then, when i played back at 736 it was smooth.

i'm not sure how that makes sense. maybe what was happening was that i was getting some kind of wave interference on the playback, due to the sample rate.

whatever it was, it's working now and i hope to get some work done today.

what i mean is that the files may have been out of phase, and what seemed like a stutter was actually a cancellation.

just a guess...

Friday, July 4, 2014

the time machine (vst mix) (third correction)

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 28, 2014 and updated on july 4, 2014 to fix a minor error in transcription.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/vst-mix-2

the time machine (soundblaster mix) (final mix)

this is a primitive mix, built up in noteworthy, that suffers from a slightly blurry drum sound due to everything being run through channel 10 in the soundcard synthesizer. specifically, i'd like to turn the snare down (because it blurs the toms) but it doesn't seem to be possible to do this. obviously, i've fixed this as i built more sophisticated mixes of the track. however, this is what the track sounded like on playback as i was actually arranging it....

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in mid june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 23, 2014 and updated on july 4, 2014 to fix a minor error in transcription.


formatting this thing is really just a guess, but i can't figure out why else the corruption would be so random. the way i figure it is that either:

1) it goes looking for file blah.wav and finds a half dozen entries, then spits back something mangled.

2) that part of the drive is really badly fragmented, and it's not able to put the files together in real time without stuttering.

either way, i figure it can't hurt, but i'm going to need to copy the files off, format, scan, copy back and then defragment.

that'll likely take me to the end of the day. argh. but i don't want to lose the vst mix when i start redoing the new one.

i think something i can check is to see if it's doing the same thing from the other drive or not.
the files are updated, btw.
i'm actually going to right up and format the thing to clean out the partition table...
nope. now it's screwing up with other plugins, too.

i'm going to try a scandisk/defrag. this drive gets massive amounts of data copied to and from it. it almost sounds like it's getting confused with pointers. and, i keep creating and deleting files with the same name, so it's not off the wall.

i'm just going to back up first, though, because i already lost one drive of this type. the four drives are of the same type and age.
on second thought, it only happens when i copy the directory.

which is necessary.

it's gotta be some kind of screw up in memory management or something. i'm still blaming bandstand, but i don't think reinstalling will fix it. i'm going to try to copy first, then freeze. i suspect that will work.
.....aaaaaand, it turns out it was a plugin after all. the same skips were coming back, but turning off bandstand did it.

it's too bad this is the only general track 10 plugin i'm aware of because it's not the bestest. it was working before, so i see no reason to think a reinstall won't work.

but, fuck.
i actually have another hypothesis.

cubase seems to want to keep track of files when they're copied out of the directories. it may have gotten confused when i copied it over to the external drive. that would explain why they were both acting funny, and refreezing worked to get around it.

anyways, i'll be reuploading as soon as the a/b test has convinced me the files are the same, except for the Gb.
hrmmn.

turns out the file was corrupt, after all. the chopping went away by unfreezing and refreezing.

weird. wondering if it's the hard drive, now...

it's resolvable, no use in worrying about it.
i just want to clarify because people are going to say that doesn't make any sense, but it does. we're taught that ram disappears on a reboot, but it doesn't actually. it's just discarded and written over. reusing the information in ram just means going back to where it was and finding it.

so, all the os has to do to reuse the boot information in ram is make sure it never writes in the sector that it assigns for boot.

but, again, it's the cpu cache i'm hypothesizing about...
lol. this is actually a debate all over the internet.

from what i remember from vista support, modern versions of windows actually don't clear anything on a restart unless you force it to. i mean, it's not like it ever really *cleared* it anyways, it just deallocated it. there's a switch of some sort that can actually set everything to all 0s, and it can add several minutes to the rebooting time.

but, if you think about it for a minute, it's just a waste of cycles to rewrite everything on every boot. this is actually the reason that windows is faster on startup than it used to be - it actually doesn't push everything into ram on every boot-up like they teach you in your hardware class, it cuts out a space of ram and leaves it there for future use.

but i'm not sure if that applies to the last versions of xp or not. i'm running xp on modern hardware, so it's very fast on bootup and hard to really tell.

but, this is more to do with ram than cpu cache, and i don't think i'm having a ram issue.
well, the notes are fixed but now the output is stuttering.

it doesn't seem to be drivers, because it stutters at the same spots through multiple sound cards. and, the last track i was working on is also stuttering, so it doesn't seem to be the file, either. i reinstalled cubase to no avail. it might be a plugin, but it actually renders fine in quick mode so that doesn't really make sense. i think i've unfortunately actually reduced it to a processor issue, which is going to be very bad news if it becomes a serious problem.

for now, i'm going to leave the machine off for a bit, eat breakfast and try it again. i don't turn the machine off very often. it doesn't seem like it's overheating, but maybe it just needs a rest.

sending it out through a canned out isn't really a solution. i can hear the difference.

the thing is that this shouldn't really be a load issue. everything's frozen, and it was working fine before. i haven't touched anything. if it's overheating, it would have to be environmental. but it's not warm in here.

unfortunately, fighting with computers is part of being an electronic musician....

i don't really want to reinstall. i couldn't imagine what could have broken besides maybe a soundcard conflict. but i can't see how/why.

the one thing i can say i did was copy a large file over to an external drive, and that xp update has made the process slow. maybe the cache was jumbled up or something. i think that requires a hard rather than soft reset?

whatever. eat, then worry about it.
and it actually turns out it's *only* that Gb, across two staves. nobody would even tell the difference...
d'oh.

i don't use key signatures. i just use bars to reset. that means i need to be extra careful when i'm splitting up tracks into bass and treble parts, and i wasn't. that means i'm going to have to fix a few things and reupload the mixes....

i just find that key signatures don't really matter. i mean, i don't use them when i'm writing. most of the time something is there, i just can't be bothered to work it out.

what i had, for example, was a written out Gb on the bass note that told the computer that the G in the melody for the bar is flat, but i ended up getting G natural on the render because when i took the bass out the computer lost the instruction.

it may clarify a few things, but the notes are so fast it's hard to tell...

i'm glad i caught it though. it won't take long to fix.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

i take a few days at the beginning of the month to catch up on various things. that's done now for the month.

i hope to have the complete mix done in a day or two.

Monday, June 30, 2014

gah. and now my fingers are sore again. well, that's how this works until i get the calluses back up.

the library is, in fact, open today, so i'll have those scores printed, and i'll be focusing on the full version. that's pick work, mostly - quick to finish. i'm not going to hold my life up on this. i'll keep working at it sporadically.

it's not the speed that i keep fucking up, it's the dynamics. put bluntly, i need to practice this before i can produce a version i can upload. a lot.

then again, maybe getting some sleep would help.
today was a wash. i made it to the library for some printing, but it was closed. i'm not sure if it's because it's sunday (things still close on sunday? why?) or because it's holiday season here, but it was a piss off.

i lost most of the day to running around, and then got sucked into youtube. but i've got a few hours now and will hopefully have something up before the sun reappears.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

people may have observed me running at full pace down the street today while pushing a shopping cart (it was starting to rain), and, if they did, they were no doubt struck by my wanton disrespect for rules and flat out rebellious behaviour.

yes, i was told not to run with a shopping cart, and warned of the dangers of doing so. yet, i heed the laws of no man!

in other news, the library was closed today, and i wasn't happy about it.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

reacting to a classical guitar satire on youtube

i think you're almost making a valid point. i've picked up a few pieces that seem to sound roughly like this, but what you're doing is mistaking bad writers for a bad method. i would agree that the problem is compounded by the "academic establishment", who for some reason tend to pick out the worst of the bunch out of some kind of a desire for shock value. there's probably an underlying psychiatric condition that causes music teachers to hate the thing they cycle their life around. whether an expression of the ultraparadoxical or a reflection of self-loathing remains an open question in my mind, but it's gotta be something like that. it's some kind of rebellion, and that's something to cherish in principle if it doesn't always work out in practice. but, let's be blunt: this is a topic for two centuries ago. if you want to create interesting music in the 21st century, you can't be dragging the corpse of music theory around with you. holding on to music theory at this late a date is really something like holding on to creationism. or causality. pitches are mathematical objects. they exist in a continuum. any attempt to order that - be it through conventional music theory or tone rows - is just meaningless, oppressive structure.

the right way to look at it is that it's really just a question of tonal freedom. it's my composition, and i'll flat diminished if i want to, flat diminished if i want to....

the better side of it has a level of artistry that goes beyond the pretension. it just reduces to tension and release when you break it down to it's most basic. does it not seem foolhardy to restrict your emotional expression to a flawed mathematical relation? i think the best conventional composers have all understood this, and it's what really makes them stand out. standing on the other side of webern and cage just means coming to terms with it, without the hubris of pretending otherwise.

which is pretty pretentious, too.

but, i hear you - it's there, especially in the universities, and, sadly, they seem intent on upholding it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pwKMtJxUC0

as i expected, letting my hand heal a few days was a good move. i haven't slept in a few days, and i need to eat immediately, but, eyelids permitting, i may be able to get the electric version up by the end of the night.

i need another week for my fingernails for the classical version.

i've also decided to do an expressive version when i get around to filming myself. i mean, the piece is sort of robotic. and it's sort of ironic that the only scores i've ever not run ramshackle over are my own. i don't want to put the video up under pretensions of being a guitar hero or something. first, it's not challenging enough. second, fuck that nonsense, anyways. it's a nice piece. i'm an expressive player. i should play to my strengths.

but i do feel the need to get proper versions up first. like i said, it's going to be a bit, anyways, so i'd might as well have some fun with it.

correcting the time machine, again

so, i've uploaded those two files one last time. the bass wasn't coming across well on low end equipment, which is sort of essential stylistically. i had to cut the parts up and resequence them all, but it bounces now...
actually, i'm fighting with the bass. grargh.
i'm going to need to print some more sheet music before i can record the live version, but it should actually be relatively quick - i'm just replacing five guitar tracks, and they're all short and relatively easy. i'll probably print them as soon as this afternoon.

but i'm going to want to work that reprise out first, probably. it'll be in it's own space on the single and attached to the full version on jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj, which will go to youtube as a 6-7 minute track, if i don't add a third section (and i'm thinking i might).

uploading the time machine to thru (original uploads)

i'm putting mixes together for "singles", but, ultimately, the thru mix is one of two mirror images i'm working on. meaning this is this version's home. meaning it's done, now.

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 23, 2014 and updated on june 28, 2014.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-time-machine

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 28, 2014 and updated later on that day.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-time-machine-5

the time machine (vst mix) (correction of original upload)

this is the vst mix, which hooks up the constructed score to a series of vst instruments through the magic of midi sequencing and outputs the notes through various effects processors to create something approaching the sound of a live band.

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 28, 2014 and updated later on that day.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/vst-mix-2

the time machine (soundblaster mix) (correction of original upload)

ok, so that's done now. the thru entry will come in on rss.

i had to clean up the drums a bit because the effects i had on them were saturating the mix. it's better now.

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 23, 2014 and updated on june 28, 2014.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/soundblaster-mix-3

the time machine (vst mix) (original upload)

this is getting close to a final mix of the renaissance guitar piece i've been orchestrating this month. it's arranged here in a heavy drum 'n' bass mix. so, play it through a subwoofer if you've got one. influences on this mix are of the warp records variety: aphex twin, autechre, squarepusher. keep in mind it was written and first imagined this way back in '01, when that sound was kind of winding down, and starting to morph into post-rock via tortoise and do make say think, which is also stylistically present in the mix. but i need to stress this is fundamentally renaissance music. i'm also trying to get a grungy guitar sound at points, which will come out clearer in the final mix with live guitars (the guitars here are played by a sample-based midi sequencer through some amp simulators - they sound good, but they're not live). the drums are also written with a heavy phil collins influence, of all things.

so, this is warp records + do make say think + phil collins + swans + renaissance music. an eclectic mix, i might say, that i'm sort of proud of. give it a listen....

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 28, 2014.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/vst-mix-2

Friday, June 27, 2014

fwiw, this is going to be the final score. i've doubled a few things, but i'm not going to update the soundblaster mix...


uploading the time machine (vst mix) to the scratchpad

so, this is the mix i'll be chewing on over the next few days. specific points of issue are in the bass and the guitar tone. see, this is drum and bass, so i want the thick bottom end, but i want it a bit more organic sounding, because it's also renaissance music, so i'm going to have to play with things for a while. and i'm always fussing over guitar tone...

this is the vst version, though, rather than the live one. solely computers, here. live version will follow.

i also need to get back to practicing that classical and fingerpicking variety....

https://googledrive.com/host/0B5JfVE9XTZikMS1zek9ER0xSU1E/scratchpad/

Thursday, June 26, 2014

uploading the time machine (reprise) (end loop) to the scratchpad

i've pulled this loop out. it's sort of like a memory fading. obviously, it needs a guitar solo.

https://googledrive.com/host/0B5JfVE9XTZikMS1zek9ER0xSU1E/scratchpad/
actually, i'm starting to think the thing with bandstand is that it's purely sample based so it's stuttering out badly when it's not able to find a sample that matches the note.

....meaning i'm driving it too hard.

which reduces to that it sucks. i mean, it needs to be able to do at least what my soundcard from 1997 can do.

and don't tell me i ought to have a quadcore with 40 gb of ram to emulate my soundcard from 1997. that's ridiculous.

i think the soundcard is 64 mb of ram. i dunno why they don't just build something that sits in ram.

but the drums sound fine, which is what i'm using it for, so i'll stop complaining.
bandstand sucks. i think it should be enough for the track, but i need to find a better way to render general midi through cubase. remarkably, you want to know what the most popular approach is on the internet? record to wave and import. which defeats the point of cubase.

bandstand seems to just be really, really bad at playing back notes. like, it just doesn't play the notes as they're written. there's one thing it's supposed to do....

and, i know it's the vsti because it works fine as soon as i switch it.

i acknowledge it may be the evaluation copy. regardless, i need to find another solution.

i'm kind of doing this the old fashioned way. people tend to use samplers or wave files in loops nowadays. nobody sits down and scores out drums for general midi, then tries to find a vsti that understands general midi over track 10.

i have two alesis dm5 drum heads that i'd expect should read the data, but i'd rather keep this particular project at a software level if i can

it's just a conceptual thing on keeping it in software.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

thoughts on the new jack white album

well, jack white is almost 40, now. yeah, that's crazy, huh? so, i guess it's time to be more subtle and introspective and grown-up and all that other boring shit.

it'll happen to you, too.
</grandpa simpson>

on principle, it's not a bad thing if he wants to be a little more sophisticated. it's just that the nashville direction he's spinning in isn't going to sit well with a lot of the fans he's built up on the dirty garage/psych side of things, who'd rather hear his sophistication branch out in more of a tame impala direction (to use a contemporary act as a reference point). bluntly, a lot of us are probably going to finally trip the line with this and admit we're bored by it - not because it's "more sophisticated" but because it's just wandered too far out of our sphere of interest. the couple of mahavishnu romps seem forced. and, note that mahavishnu was not the sonics, huh?

and, that's fine. he doesn't need the cash. and we can all find something else to listen to. but, if he's smart, and he is, he'll find a way to better align his marketing apparatus with his musical future.


/>

thoughts on the new jack white single

deathtokoalas
well, jack white still has the best tone ever in the history of guitars. man, that thing just squeals.

i'm going to interpret the rest of this as tongue-in-cheek, but i'm not really sure what the point of taking jsbx to as far of an ironic extreme as is possible really is....


ahmad almheiri
The guitar work is VERY similar to Led Zeppelin, but not nearly as good. But still a good song.

deathtokoalas
this particular track demonstrates an overall primary influence from john mclaughlin, rather than jimmy page. it's subtle, but trust me.

Justtryme90
I wish more people were influenced by Mclaughlin, Mahavishnu Orchestra are amazing.

deathtokoalas
well, it's easy to forget that it's also the case that john mclaughlin's biggest fan and primary protege was....jimmy page. he'd probably have spent the rest of his life doing session work for country musicians if mclaughlin didn't take him aside and show him a few things. but, the violin work here is very mahavishnu and the overall style is an update on the graham bond organization through a filter of jon spencer.

Ademga348
zepelin are shit band if you dont know

Thomas Haley
Zeppelin are one of the very first true Metal bands along with Sabbath. And Jimmy Page was one of the greatest guitarist ever.

deathtokoalas
but, the fact that they were early metal is why they were often a shit band. that being said,they did a few solid blues jams, and wrote a few proto-punk tunes. it's not all bad. but, most of it is...

ZGrep58
Just because a guitarist claims that his riff was stolen 40 YEARS after a massive hit was released does not mean it is true. The two songs sound faintly similar. If it was really stolen don't you think he would have noticed when it came out considering that Stairway was a massive hit?

deathtokoalas
just fwiw, these accusations of stairway being a rip are not new. i remember hearing about them when i was learning to play stairway in the early 90s (my guitar teacher at the time was a 60s/70s rock expert. he had me doing the blues classics: santana, zeppelin, hendrix. but he also had me doing some prog, like genesis. i started teaching myself nirvana, soundgarden, pumpkins, etc a few years later - and also some forgotten stuff like collective soul that had some tasty guitar playing. i think it was come as you are that got me first, but i remember spending a lot of time with superunknown and siamese dream, particularly.). i agree that it certainly took them long enough to file legal action, but it's not like nobody noticed.

further, page is known to have stolen many, many other riffs from early blues guitarists, as well as from john mclaughlin. and, that itself is really only contemptible in the context of how much money he made from it. the blues are not about artistic creativity, they're about personal expression. all the blues guitarists stole riffs from each other.

if there was absolute justice in the world, the boot of god would come down from the sky, kick jimmy in the ass and redistribute his sizable fortune across about 50 blues guitarists, many of colour, and most of whom are now dead. alas...

(deleted post)

deathtokoalas
well, stairway isn't really a blues tune. and the rip is more in the arrangement.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

btw, this is my walkaway conclusion from researching my diet and trying to be a little bit more healthy...

"eat food. not too much. mostly plants."

this is more or less how i've lived my whole life. i'm more confirming my existing philosophy than deriving a new one...

...and i don't think that's an oversimplification. it's not that it doesn't matter what you eat, it's that it only matters in relation to how your body *stores* what you consume, which is what happens when you eat *too much*. so, processed carbs are worse for your heart than red meat, but it's not because of how your body metabolizes it but because of how your body stores the fat. there's a growing problem with people that replaced too much red meat with too much processed carbs. basically, they didn't grasp that the real problem is that their lifestyles have them eating far too much relative to the amount of exercise they get. in the end, your body stores processed carbs as badly as or worse than it stores red meat and the same problems end up happening; replacing too much of one thing with too much of another doesn't solve anything.

i don't think studies have been done on it, but i would suspect that you'd see the same problems amongst people that eat thousands of calories worth of fruit and vegetables on a daily basis. if you eat so much fruit that your body is forced to store it, stuff starts getting clogged....

so, if the problem is the way your body stores fuel (perhaps we're not really evolved to store fuel as fat as well as we could be), then the solution is to reduce the amount of fuel it's storing by reducing diet as much as possible, or burning it all off. it's less about *what goes in* and more about *how much gets stored*.

it follows that a bagel that contains 15% of your daily carb intake is absolutely fine if it's also 50% of the carbs you eat through the day. and etc.

this is not a problem for me to accomplish because i don't follow set eating times. i follow my stomach, and eat when i'm hungry. i really couldn't imagine eating thrice daily - that strikes me as pure insanity. twice, at most....

but, extrapolating what i've learned, that's maybe the best advice there is: don't eat unless you're hungry.
i do need to reiterate that life really is almost absolutely perfect for me right now. if i could define an existence for myself in a computer model, it would be almost exactly the life that i'm living right now. excluding border papers, there's nothing i want that i don't have. i have unrestricted free time. i'm getting some work done for the first time in many years. i legitimately couldn't be happier.
i continue to have these bizarrely vivid recurring dreams about lions and tigers. it's been going on for years - decades, maybe - but it comes and goes. recently, it's been really intense....

the plot is some variation on how i'm supposed to get used to them and stop being silly because the idea that they're going to eat me is just me being paranoid, but me knowing better, and escaping moments before they turn on me, which always "excites them" into eating some loved one, which i get the blame for. further, the dream is almost always set in the south gloucester ghetto/project/neighbourhood i grew up in.

i'm convinced i had some kind of traumatic childhood experience with some kind of large cat that lived around the corner on hunter's way, near the community pool. i don't know if it was ever confirmed that there was a large cat living there or not, but i know exactly what house it was. it's very vivid. i was going out to go swimming on my little bicycle (i couldn't have been more than ten years old), and i looked up and saw a bengal tiger walk by. i was absolutely nerd enough of a kid to know the precise difference between a bengal tiger, a snow leopard, an african lion, a puma, a serval, an oceolot, a black jaguar, a cheetah, etc. i had taken out a book from the library that categorically listed every known species of cat (including the smaller species of african and asian wild cats) and studied it pretty closely, so i would have been able to (and for the most part am still able to) identify just about any species of cat i could've seen with a high degree of accuracy.

it didn't seem to see me. but, i sure saw it, and i got on my bike and rode home and didn't go near the pool the rest of the summer due to a very intense and very real fear of the bengal tiger in the house on hunter's point. but every time i explained it, people thought i just had an overactive imagination and was seeing things.

the tiger is usually a lion nowadays, and the place in the neighbourhood shifts dramatically from dream to dream, but i just can't shake this one. and it's not fun to wake up knowing that you just escaped a hungry pack of lions or tigers that you know is about to consume your sister and/or your mom....

Monday, June 23, 2014

the time machine (soundblaster mix) (original upload)

this is the crux of what this thing is going to sound like, i just need to improve the sound fonts and clean the mix up.

this is a temporary mix, built up in noteworthy, that suffers from a slightly blurry drum sound due to everything being run through channel 10 in the soundcard synthesizer. specifically, i'd like to turn the snare down (because it blurs the toms) but it doesn't seem to be possible to do this. obviously, i'll want to fix this as i build more sophisticated mixes of the track. however, this is what the track sounded like on playback as i was actually arranging it....

written in early 2001. drastically rearranged in mid june, 2014. this render was initially created on june 23, 2014.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/soundblaster-mix-3
cops came and went. these ones seemed a little less like your typical cops, and understood the premise a little bit better.

it was pointed out that i'd have a better chance of ensuring a diagnosis if i'm able to build a relationship with an md. this is more or less what i was thinking, it's why i went through the process of seeing a shrink in the first place, but the idea of trying to get a family doctor to build a diagnosis isn't something that crossed my mind. well, it's an avenue to explore, and it would be imprudent not to explore it.

again, they seemed surprised by my level of rational thinking. they weren't really expecting me to agree with them and were visibly shaken by how easily i agreed that the suggestion was reasonable. they seem to have been expecting me to resist somehow.

so, i have an alternate plan i'll want to put into motion in the next few days. but i want to be clear that the fundamental situation remains unaltered.
so, the drums are in for the first half. i think that's done, now. so, lunch time....

the mix is going to be a little messy until i get it imported into cubase. despite notating them in separate staffs, i'm not able to modify the volume of independent drum sounds because they're all out channel 10. afaik, it's a flaw in the technology and i can't do anything about it.
what would happen if phil collins and autechre mated?

gots the toms in....

Sunday, June 22, 2014

just slept about 26 hours or so, waking up only briefly to eat and check social media. it's my neck again. i think it's ok, now.

i can't really pin a cause. it's probably a culmination of things. i went for a long walk on friday morning with a bag full of compost, but i really felt fine when i came back. i feel comfortable in my decision to do so, but i don't deny that there's been a little stress about deciding to end my own life in a few months, conditional on circumstances. a lot of coffee. lack of sleep. the piece i've been practicing has got me really tense, with clenched teeth and everything - this is i think is the primary culprit, the others are only secondary. and nicotine (i'm still on target, but cracked a bit last week). guess i just burnt out.

i'm alert now and hoping to finish the sequencing on the track by the end of the night.

uploading the time machine (soundblaster mix) to the scratchpad

my neck is still seized up, so i'm going to sleep a little more. finishing the drums here remains the primary priority. but, this is what i did yesterday. the idea here is to ask for suggestions.....

https://googledrive.com/host/0B5JfVE9XTZikMS1zek9ER0xSU1E/scratchpad/
my neck seized up again a few hours ago, which forced me to sleep early. i'll be working out the drums this morning.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

getting there.



i think i'm done arranging, except the drums.
yeah. fingers are too sore to play for the day. i guess i haven't played eight hours a day for a few years, but i'm actually really happy to get back to it. just need to get those callouses back to where they should be...

regarding the changes to the score, i'm pretty sure i'll have some kind of something up somewhere before i sleep again.
on second thought, all i've managed to do today is work my fingers down to the bone. i'm going to give them a rest and work on the score tomorrow. i've certainly been mentally writing...

i also need to do something about the clenched teeth while playing this. maybe user a soother ;)

Friday, June 20, 2014

also, you could always listen to every single song i've uploaded in reverse chronological order, if you'd like.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3JSjmqp0cbubsqYGaNbe_PBK0kh9xHD1
hey, i don't know how i managed to get 100 people to decide to subscribe to my youtube channel, but i somehow did manage to do just that. keep an eye out for signs of the apocalypse...

in the meantime, i think this calls for a celebration.

hey, listen - reality is that society is running just fine without me, and that the challenges i'm facing are not unique to me, and will become increasingly prevalent over the course of the next generation. youth unemployment in this region is pushing 30%. there are places in europe where it's pushing 50%. this is a structural level of unemployment that is likely with us permanently moving forwards. the solution is not to magically create jobs where no jobs are necessary, to dig ditches and fill them in as the old saying goes, it's to come to terms with the reality that we've already reached the technological requirements of full communism and adjust the social system to account for that reality. my generation is just unfortunate enough to be on the bleeding edge of it, where the shifts in technology are ahead of the shifts in mass consciousness. there's no future in western society beyond that realization, but there's a lot of social norms and traditions pushing against coming to terms with it. the fact is we live in a reality where we're increasingly only able to employ a small percentage of the population, and the rest is not going to have any option but to live on the wealth that the machines create, in one way or another.

there's a popular misconception that we've lost all the jobs to offshoring, but if you actually look at statistics and ask economists about it the truth will come out that the largest share of job losses are due to mechanization. mexico didn't steal your job, robots did. the robots and artificial intelligences are just getting better. i've seen a number of articles recently asking if doctors are about to be replaced by smart phones. well, i think we'll always have a place for doctors and surgeons especially - but the workload may decrease dramatically. a "family doctor" may soon be a thing of the past. the classrooms of the near future will probably not have teachers in them. &etc.

as all these shifts in technology create ever increasing levels of unemployment, we're going to have to adopt ideas like job sharing. to an extent, we're already there, with the ubiquity of part-time employment. but, again, the social system hasn't adjusted to it. perhaps, more problematically, workers movements haven't adjusted to it. demanding higher wages seems progressive, but it's masking a larger problem. from a quality of life perspective, working part-time is far better than working full-time, is it not? that's less work and more play, which ought to be the goal (i understand it isn't currently). but, it requires structural adjustments like guaranteed incomes to fill in the holes. otherwise, we need to turn the machines off - or adopt ghastly measures to decrease the population.

these are realities that we all need to come to terms with. more and more people are going to be living the way i am, out of necessity, because a prole has nothing to sell but labour, and if capital isn't buying labour then the prole simply doesn't have a way out. i'm just a little ahead of the curve in understanding these things.

the only reason it's not hitting us right now with mass movements is that there's so much wealth tied up in the older generation. i didn't get the worst hand in life, but i didn't get the best one, either. there's thousands and thousands of people in my age group in my situation, but they have family they can live with, so they're not in dire straits.

i mean, i'm sure you've seen these self checkout machines at grocery stores.

consider the consequences if every grocery store, big box chain and retail outlet let their cashiers go as obsolete in the face of new technology. well, it's gonna happen....
lol.

some cops showed up today to talk about my suicidal facebook messages. but, the context in the messages is very clear - i'm not currently suicidal. such an autonomous decision is dependent upon the outcome of the odsp evaluation in september. i was posting to prepare others for the eventuality. further, while i'm fairly certain of the outcome, i'm actually holding out hope that it will be extended. how can i be suicidal if i'm mutedly optimistic about the future, and merely planning for the worst case should it actualize?

i've already posted my logic.

it's always interesting explaining my coldly rational, detached perspective to people that seem to think they have the ability to magically project their desires onto reality.

but, you're giving up too soon! you're young!

it's not a question of giving up. that's a subjective perspective. i'm about analyzing data and coming to objective conclusions. my attitude doesn't affect the data, which clearly demonstrates that my chances of finding employment are exceedingly low. it has nothing to do with how i feel, it's just what the data states.

but, you haven't tried.

sure i have. that's how i built up my data set. why try further when the data projects a high probability of failure? it would be *this* behaviour that would be insane.

but that was in ottawa.

the conditions here are worse than in ottawa. that's why i moved here. it follows that i should spend even less time trying here.

you're just focusing on numbers and statistics, you just need to think positively and...

no. i need to focus on data. your arguments are not convincing, because you're not challenging the data, you're merely asking me to ignore it in favour of magical thinking.

*frown*

i tried to explain it, but they didn't get it. they did, however, convince me to allow a nurse to come later today to talk to me.

btw: the correct mathematical argument against my data-driven deductions is to question whether employment data is dependent. if each process is independent of the next, my conclusions collapse.

i think there is some argument for this. in fact, it even follows that if each process is independent then the probability of eventually finding a job approaches one (because any non-zero probability implies at least one success in infinitely many trials).

however, i'm convinced that the challenges are related to personal character traits, which makes each trial dependent on the last.
love the guitar tone i'm getting. dirty finger pickin' tele sound. canned through the pod, though, not a live amp.
so, i'm running through at 360. it's a little sloppy, but it's coming. i'm thinking i'll have a recording of some sort up by the end of the day. i want to bleach my hair for the vid. well, i want to bleach my hair anyways, but it's a good excuse.

so, that means the vid through old cheri amp is likely for tomorrow.

that's actually the first guitar amp i ever bought. tiny little thing. there's an interview where kim thayil explains that he records with small amps, and he name dropped cheri. i was young and took it on the drop, given there were only a few other in that price range. it's actually a great sounding little mini amp....

Thursday, June 19, 2014

jumped to electric, and that pushed me up to 320. i think this will be relatively soon.

also: it seems that circumstances are going to lead me to take my own life in september or october, so i'm putting all other things on permanent hiatus and focusing solely on music, to try and get as much done as i can before i die.
head cleared, decision clarified, expecting the worst, resolved to get as much music done between now and september as i can.

that means i'm not thinking about it between now and then or wasting my time with it.

i just want to get the logic down somewhere for when (if) they find the body.

1) it does not appear as though i am going to have my disability renewed.
2) therefore, i will be unable to pay rent.
3) therefore, i will lose my studio. again.
4) i have nowhere else to store my studio.
5) therefore, i will have no way to save my studio if i am unable to pay rent to house it.
6) humans need a purpose to continue to exist and whither away without one. i have categorically rejected most accepted purposes for existence as not interesting (children, "career", partner, family, etc.). the one purpose i have is recording.
7) therefore, losing my studio would also be losing my purpose to exist.
8) therefore, i would no longer have a will to exist.
9) therefore, suicide will become desirable.

note that, questions of the desirability of labour aside, the chances of me finding employment here or elsewhere are approaching zero. i haven't had a job of any sort since 2011 and i haven't had a full time job since 2008. i have also consistently been fired from every job i've had since 2008 for being unable to show up on time. i see no use in pretending that i will be able to support myself when the evidence is abundantly clear that i will not be able to.

it follows that i'm better off maximizing the recording time i have left than i am wasting my time trying and failing to find a job i'd be fired from within a few weeks, anyways.

...or neuroticizing over a way out. there isn't one.
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/julian-baggini-suicide-can-be-a-rational-choice-1912358.html

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

i've decided to wait.

if i only have a few months left, i don't want to waste it chasing around doctors.
i went back to the clinic to get a second rec and they suggested i go to a "crisis center" at the hospital. i'm debating it, and leaning towards doing it now rather than waiting for the decision and doing it then.

i don't know what the right diagnosis is either, but i'm certain that it's abundantly clear to any person that can analyze evidence that i'm not capable of or interested in participating in society, and anybody denying that clear and obvious truth must have a political motive in front of him.

bluntly: if you actually think i'm capable of properly functioning in this world, you're either stupid or ignorant of the facts.

i'm sick of struggling. if the system doesn't make the right decision, people are going to get hurt.

a life spent working is a life that is not worth living.

if this happens (and i'm hoping things are worked out, but, if odsp throws me off, i will almost certainly choose to end my life or do something that will place me in a jail cell for a long time), you need to think of it in terms of me ending my suffering. it will be for the best.

one day, people will look back at the barbarity of market societies and canonize those who resisted. hopefully, through suicide, as an act of defiance, i can provide inspiration for future generations.
well, that went terribly. and, all the peace and stability and happiness i've been feeling over the last few months just went up in a smoke of rage and anger and hopelessness.

some ideas floating through my mind.

1) show up at the psychiatrist's office with a butcher knife and saw my foot off in front of him. manipulating you? want me to prove otherwise, you producerist piece of fucking shit? how about we get your license taken away? ruining your career would give me more pleasure than my foot does. fucker. die. die. die.

2) taking baseball bats to the odsp building and just hanging out outside until the cops show up, and then admit it. when they release me, do it again. then again. and again. and again....

the bottom line that these fuckers have to come to is this: they can either sign my disability papers, or they can watch me kill myself and/or put me in jail, because i'm not participating in this society. it's a threat, but it's not an empty one. i'm at the end. there's no compromising. no trying to fit in. i'm on the fucking terrorists' side. this society needs to be incinerated. i'd rather bomb a walmart than work in one. and i'd rather read in a jail cell in peace than be forced to participate in the market.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

300. it's getting a little challenging at this speed, but it's mostly "generally rusty" problems, like having lost the strength in the left hand to barre a chord on a pinky hammer-pull-off. the dexterity came back fast, but that didn't. thankfully, the fix is easy: practice. i think i'll probably be stuck at 300 for a few days due to that, but it will probably speed up quickly afterwards.

Monday, June 16, 2014

(several posts were lost from june 9th-17th, mostly about performing the piece on guitar. the problem is that there is active code of some sort on facebook that causes word documents to seize up and crash when pasted into them.

iirc, the write-up was something like this...

while the track is not challenging to perform at a slow tempo, it is quite challenging to perform at the tempo it's written at: eighth note at 360. so, it was necessary to practice the track before it could be recorded. i decided that it would be best to start at a slow speed, and then gradually build speed by slowly increasing the tempo. i decided that it would take a few days before i could play it at 360. of course, i updated my progress as i went. i'm not sure where i started, but the narrative picks back up again at 300.

i have a screenshot dated to june 16th at 14:18 called tricky.jpg, which is attached here. it seems to be that i was pointing out that this is the tricky part at a fast tempo. i may have also pointed out that the C# at the very top is a very big problem because it can only be reached via harmonic. and, i do recall getting around it by actually playing the harmonic, and at quite a fast tempo.)

tricky.jpg:

Saturday, June 14, 2014

the sad reality nowadays is that google fails far more often than it succeeds.


uploading recent guitar demo to soundcloud

a math rock version of the three's company theme, or something. i'm now caught up. these are the kind of silly shorts that will be posted here moving forward....

https://soundcloud.com/deathtokoalas/2014-05-18a

Friday, June 13, 2014

uploading boogeyman to youtube

somebody asked me about what inspired me to write this, here's my answer.

the 09-11 are just the track numbers on the inricycled compilation (9, 11 are the intro and ending, 10 is boogeyman). that demo version was done up when i was fifteen, but is a little older and ultimately stems from being told to lock the door at night. i guess i was probably more like ten at the time. when it started getting dark at night, my mom would yell at me to go lock the door before the boogeyman came in to get us. but, she'd be a little dramatic about it. kind of a...

mom: shhh. do you hear that?
me: it's getting dark, maybe it's...
mom: it's the boogeyman! go run and lock the door before he comes in and gets us!

so, i'd get up and run to the front door and lock it, peering out to make sure there was nobody there.

i don't think i ever thought a boogeyman existed, but i didn't grow up in an affluent neighbourhood and i was well aware of the dangers of straying too far from home after night. i didn't understand much about drugs or gangs at the time, i just knew that sometimes people died of gunshot wounds outside and didn't want to be stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time. it was legitimately important to block off entrance points.

the run had a bit of a rush of adrenaline-based fear to it, because the hallway was dark. getting to the door and back could at times be a little scary.

by 15, i'd grown out of that, but the song is a memory of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gTfycvt1VU

Thursday, June 12, 2014

uploading guitar demo from 2010 to soundcloud

this is another broken jam session and will come off as really simple (and it is, on some level) if you don't appreciate the subtle dissonance. regardless, it's easy to hear the stomp under it. i don't write much of it, but i'd love to start a really dirty garage rock band...

https://soundcloud.com/deathtokoalas/2010-09-19a

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

i'm pretty sure my last featured track got throttled starting last week. it ran up to 301, then was stuck there for several days as there was a difference of roughly 60 hits between the shown and the confirmed, which is something that's happening across multiple videos and only makes sense to me in the context of it being an error by youtube. basically, youtube doesn't seem to want to accept views from certain countries, under the argument that views from those countries must be bought.

it did push past 301 after the delay, but the hits went down drastically in ways that didn't really make sense. there were a few days where the ratio of total views to featured views was pushing 4:1, which defies any sort of logic because one has to click through the feature to get to the other videos. it only makes sense if the video is being throttled.

i hope that youtube is storing the information so it can fix it when it determines it's error. but, the feature over the last two weeks isn't exactly my best work, anyways. i'm not really upset about it coming in behind some of the other tracks. it's the *principle* of throttling, especially when it's racial profiling, that bothers me.

this track will go back up tomorrow at midnight and the timeframes are such that it will be there for an entire month. i should hopefully get some serious work done in that time frame. and i kind of expect this to be my first video to reach 1000 hits.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gTfycvt1VU&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

got some life shit worked out today, things are continuing to come together.

1) got accepted by a psychiatrist around the corner. i'm hoping this guy can do two things for me. the first is diagnose me with something i can rely on for longer term disability - i'm thinking i'm probably clinically schizophrenic, even if it's only a problem when i'm thrust into the "real world". there is no real world. there. qed. i laugh, but it's self-deprecating. the second thing i'm thinking is that it'd be nice to have cheap, legal, easy access to marijuana. i'm actually *very* convinced that it helps keep me stable. i don't even need large doses, and i wouldn't really want to be stoned all the time, but i'm very strongly of the opinion that a bit of pot every few days is very good for mental health, and may go so far as to say i'd probably have harmed myself by now if it wasn't for the pot. further, i won't take drugs in the form of pills. i'm a hippie like that. so, if he tries to prescribe me wellbutrin or prozac or something, i won't fill the rx - i'll ask for pot instead.

2) stage one of my border documents have been approved. i think the combined governments of the united states and canada are real assholes for standing over the bridge with an ax declaring that none shall pass, but they're the fuckers with the weapons, so what to do but mutter under your breath? i've wasted almost a year of my time due to this stupidity, which isn't making anybody safer and really *should* be a political liability. but i can't even vote against it. one day, we'll tear these walls down. for now, it's relieving to be just about through the annoyance. i need to go for an interview to prove i'm not arabic, i mean a threat to security. catching the swans show is not looking likely. and there's not going to be too many more chances for it, either. ugh. fucking fascists.